


But if she loves you now, what else matters?

by shadow_moon_90



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, First Time, Flawed people, Jonerys, Love, Mental Health Issues, No Night King, No Others - Freeform, Read tags, Sansa Stark-centric, Short Chapters, Slow Burn, Wait for it, in general pretty angsty, no smut until chapter 4 or 5, not a typical Jonsa fic, ramsay is a torturous asshole but NO RAPE, sansa stark / gendry waters, they love other people, until it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:54:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24814165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_moon_90/pseuds/shadow_moon_90
Summary: Set-in modern-day Westeros, where powerful Mob/Cartel/Political families fight for power, territories and safety for their own. Ned, Cat and Robb have died, leaving Jon in charge to run House Stark. Once reunited in Castle Black, Jon makes decision that force him and Sansa apart, they will reunite again but coming together might be the very thing that breaks them apart for good. Story takes place over several years.
Relationships: Jon Snow/Sansa Stark, Sansa Stark/Gendry Waters
Comments: 40
Kudos: 96





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: Reunited**

_“In the naivete of their youth, they believed Fate to be a kind mistress._  
_None of them were prepared for the beast that was about to pick them up by the throats and shake them until their teeth rattled.”_  
_― **Melodie Ramone**_

* * *

By the time Sansa is seventeen she had seen the world for what is truly was, a dirty, grimy place, the only thing it ever offered her was pain. After the murder of her parents, she was kept as a bargaining chip for the Lannister’s, she spent her days in fear of everything: saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, _being_ the wrong thing, most of all she feared the day she no longer held value to them, if that day ever came, she knew it would be her last.

After Joffrey’s death, when Petyr smuggled her out of the city, she thought this could be the moment that changed her life, her fate, she was going back home after all this time and she would be _safe_ again. She should have known it was too much to ask for, the world never was kind to her why would it start now? Cersei had once told her “the Gods have no mercy, that’s why they’re Gods” it was a bitter truth that Sansa learned quickly. Upon hearing about her escape and before she even set foot in the North, the Bolton’s murdered her brother Robb, and took his place in the northern territory, all in less than one week, they only needed _her_ to appease the more radical Stark loyalists. Petyr stuck a deal with the Bolton’s and delivered Sansa to them sooner than the ink could dry.

Roose Bolton was a callous man, cold and ruthless, never acting without careful calculation, but if you knew his goal, he was predictable, his every action a step closer to his target. On the other end was his son, Ramsay Bolton, a monster through and through, evil and hateful, driven by dark impulses and desires. She was to be taken in by the Bolton’s until she turned 18 when she could legally marry Ramsey. She had just turned seventeen when she moved in with them, the year she spent in the Bolton's Winterfell was insufferable. Ramsay reveled in torturing her, with smiles that never reached his eyes, touches that lingered too long, unsolicited visits at all hours of the day and night, veiled threats of his plans for their marital bed, the worst were the times when he caged her in his arms, feigning an embrace, his body, hands and breath on her made her skin crawl.

Her only solace was Theon, a man she once hated with every fiber of her being. But he was a different person now, beaten and broken, he confessed to her that Bran and Rickon were still alive somewhere, he told her everything Ramsay did to him and despite every lesson Cersei and Littlefinger ever taught her, she couldn’t help but feel love for Theon. He was lost and unclaimed, just like her.

The day they escaped the Bolton’s was the worse and best day of her life. She was ecstatic to be free, but the path almost killed her, every step in the snow and the river was like needles tearing every inch of her skin, her vision blurred and all she could see was Theon, he never let go of her hand.

They made it to Castle Black in five terrible days, they were on foot and off the main roads not daring to trust anyone but each other. Sansa remembers the gates opening and looking around, not able to find Jon, until their eyes locked, it was like the world disappeared. Being in his arms was the only good thing that had happened to her since she left home all those years ago. He looked like the Jon she remembered, but also different, gone were any traces of the petulant boy she knew, in his place stood a man, grown and strong. 

She told him about the Lannister’s, how Joffrey beat her, how Cersei tortured her, and Littlefinger who claim to love her, but not more than he loved himself she found out cruelly, and finally Ramsay, the monster in all her nightmares. Jon’s life wasn’t easy either, he had killed men in order to survive, done what he knew was right, and his brothers turned on him anyway. He told her that Arya had made it to Castle Black a few years ago, she would be back in a few hours.

When Arya arrived, Sansa couldn’t believe her eyes, she hadn’t seen her since their days in Kings Landing, when they were separated. She hugged her sister, they ate together, and she confessed things to Arya she wouldn’t tell Jon, things only another girl would understand. Luckily, Arya had not suffered in _that_ way, although hunger and casual murder was no life for a girl, Arya had lived free but without shelter, whereas Sansa was trapped in a beautiful cage. She didn’t know which was worse.

That night, when the three of them were together, Sansa begged them to take back their seat in the North, she knew they would never be safe without it

“it belongs to our family; we have to fight for it”

“I’m tired of fighting”

Arya stayed silent, she had always loved Jon the best, but Sansa could see the resiliency in her face.

They went back and forth the entire night, Jon had almost forgotten how stubborn Sansa was, but it was all coming back to him. She must be around seventeen now, the same age he was when they left home five years ago. As the night goes on, he remembers her clearly now, spoilt and tenacious, probably even worse than Arya. When they were children she would beg Robb to play ‘rescue the princess’ with her and he _always_ caved, even when he was too old for those games, and despite however many times Arya teased her she always fought back, never giving an inch until both girls were yelling and screaming. They went to bed with no resolution.

* * *

Sansa stopped by Theon’s room before sleeping but he wasn’t there. She waited for a minute to see if he would come back but he never did. She searched the compound but didn’t see any trace of him, in fact, she hadn’t seen him since the doors opened, Jon had whisked her away right after, provided her with a room, shower, clothes, food, everything she needed, and after they spent the entire afternoon arguing about their next step.

Sansa made her way down to the basement, the only place she hadn’t checked, she opened the door and turned on the light, Theon stirred from the cot he was sleeping in, he was handcuffed to the wall.

“what the fuck Theon, why are you here!?”

“Sansa, you shouldn’t be here!”

“who put you down here?” Sansa tugged as hard as she could on the chain bolted to the wall,

“Sansa, stop doing that, you are going to hurt herself, just go back to bed—”

“It was Jon, wasn’t it?” Sansa grabbed Theon’s hands tightly, had they both escaped Ramsay just so Theon could end up in chains again? Angry tears welled up in her eyes “what is he thinking!? I’m going to fix this _now_ ” She stood to leave the room, but Theon stopped her

“Sansa!” he pleaded “I deserve to be here; you know what I did…”

“I know… you _saved_ me, and I have to fight for you”

“please Sansa, don’t make this harder, if you want to help me, just let Jon decide… your forgiveness is enough”

Sansa squeezed his hands and left, she would stand down tonight, she needed to think about what she was going to say to Jon, if the she had learned anything it was that it was better to bide your time and choose your moments carefully.

The next day she went down to breakfast with Jon and Arya, who introduced her to Edd, Gendry, Tormund, and Davos, the people they trusted the most. They had a pleasant meal until they received a message. It was Ramsay from an unknown number, he wanted Sansa back, he threated to rape and murder her, he specified all the vile things that had been swimming in his head since he had met Sansa, Jon choked back bile in his throat. The message also coolly mentioning the fact that Roose was dead, without him, Ramsay _would_ murder anyone in his way. Innocent or otherwise.

“Ramsay killed him”

“we don’t know that”

“yes. We do”

Jon and Arya exchanged a look that Sansa couldn’t decipher, they had always been close, it was one of the things Sansa regretted, not being closer to her siblings.

But immediately Jon, Edd and Tormund spoke fast and eagerly trying to come up with a plan, at least it seemed like she didn’t have to convince Jon anymore. They would need help from other clans and to round up the remain loyalists. Sansa listened and offered information she thought could help, how many men she heard Ramsay say he had, how they reinforced the walls, everything she could think of. Hours went by while they deliberated and made plans, they would start small and gain support throughout the North as quickly as they could. Sansa felt hopeful for the first time in a long time.

* * *

Later at night, Sansa knocked on Jon’s bedroom, he was startled but he invited her in, Sansa caught a glimpse of his torso, he had scars on his skin and was pure muscle underneath. He grabbed an old shirt and pulled it back over his head. She could tell he was tired and worried, she thought that this wasn’t a good time, but she couldn’t sleep another night knowing Theon was shackled in the basement.

“where’s Theon?” She asked, even though she knew the answer

Jon’s eyes flickered up, he thought about lying but he had never been any good at it   
“I can’t have him walking free, Sansa, you know what he did”

“ _I know_. He saved me. I would be dead if it weren’t for him, I would be frozen in the river, or buried in the snow, or maybe Ramsay’s dogs would have found my body and—”

“enough!" Jon voiced boomed in the room "Sansa—”

“let him go” she stepped closer “ _please_ ” her voice cracked

He could see her heartbreak, he could see the _love_ she had for Theon, it was a love she never afforded him when they were children, she never gave either of them the time of day, and now she was here, in his bedroom, begging for Theon's freedom... it dawned on him that he didn’t _know_ her anymore. The girl in front of him was far removed from the girl he knew.

“I can’t, Sans” Jon said firmly “Please, don’t ask me to do this, I _can’t_ ”

“I _am_ asking, Jon” Sansa was practically in Jon’s face now, blue eyes searching his, he could smell her hair and perfume “I’m asking _you_ , not Arya or Davos or any of them, just _YOU_.   
You are the head of this family now; they will accept whatever you accept…”

Sansa knew she was being bold, she had never really touched Jon, even when they were children, but she knew there was power in a woman’s touch, kingdoms had been raised and fallen for a woman, and even if Jon was her brother, she could persuade him. She grabbed his hand and held it in her own, running her thumb across his knuckles.

Jon couldn’t say no. He wondered if _this_ was the way Robb felt every time Sansa asked him for anything, of course Robb’s eyes probably wouldn’t fall to her lips, her skin, her throat.   
Jon pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand, a tell-tale sign he was going to give in, Sansa smiled brightly, the way she used to when she got her way.

“thank you, Jon” she kissed his cheek and left him room. Jon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.


	2. The Price

##  **_Chapter Two: The Price_ **

“Grief is the price you pay for love”  
- **Queen Elizabeth II**

* * *

It had been almost a year since they decided to move against Ramsay, they made progress for sure, but Ramsay still held Winterfell, and they couldn’t claim victory until they had it back.

Sansa was the brains, she knew which families and clans to contact, who to talk to and in what order, Jon was the face, he had the Stark look, he has the advantage of being a _man_ and people liked him, he was like Ned reborn. Arya was the muscle; she trained their men and ran their security, she stayed away from the meetings Jon and Sansa attended. Unless they needed her to intimidate.

Ramsay on his part, threatened or bribed anyone and everyone he could, mostly eager younger clans ready to make a name for themselves and dying clans desperate to be taken seriously again. As the months went by and he started losing support, he grew wilder, bolder, and more dangerous with each passing day. 

They heard a rumor that Ramsay left Winterfell to meet with Cersei, they had to redefine the terms their fathers made since both men were now dead. Sansa knew any agreement with Cersei would mean a bloodier and vicious reign. Jon had also received an invitation from Tyrion Lannister on behalf of Daenerys Targaryen, he could align with her, from what he knew she had more than enough men and money to reclaim any land she wanted. She only lacked respect and reputation in Westeros, any reputable family was weary of working with a girl raised on the other side of the world. Sansa was especially against it, she claimed not to trust a Targaryen, but Jon thought she was just too proud to ask for help. 

* * *

“JON!” Arya barged into his study and the door slammed behind her “they saw Ramsay in town, he is here on our fucking doorstep, we need to lock this shit down”

“fuck” Jon stood immediately from his chair “Sansa is out”

“what the fuck!?! Why?” Arya’s voice was panicked

“for Davos, it’s his birthday today and she went out, she is with Theon”

“it’s not enough!” Arya said through gritted teeth

It had taken every bit of his resolve to let Theon back into the fold, but if there was one thing he could count on, it was that Theon would die before letting anything happen to Sansa. Still, he couldn’t risk her.

“send Gendry to get them, alone, tell him not to cause any alarm, I’ll trail him to be safe. And you, Davos and Tormund set up here, I’ll call you in an hour”

Gendry set out to the store, it was about 30 mins from their camp, but he drove fast. For some reason, Gendry was nervous, he was used to going on special tasks, he was a soldier after all, but none had ever involved a pretty girl, she had moved into their camp over eight months ago, and yet he had barely said three words to Sansa, she always seemed far away, like a porcelain doll on display. Often, he wondered if Sansa was _actually_ related to Jon and Arya, she looked different than them -bright blue eyes, flaming red hair, and poise fit for royalty skin as opposed to their darker features. He had heard about the things she had gone through in the past, yet she stood proud every day, she was brave and stubborn, if anything, a sure fire way of recognizing a Stark.

His phone rang and pulled him out of his thoughts, it was Jon.

_“hello”_

_“she is in the bakery, bring her with you and let Theon take their car,  
if there is a tail on her car, they’ll follow him instead,   
I’m circling the block just in case, call me when she is safe”_

_“got it”_

Gendry parked and walked into the store, trying to slow his steps so he wouldn't call any more attention to himself. As soon as he opened the door to the shop he saw her immediately, her red hair setting her apart from the rest, she was laughing with Theon and her arm wrapped around his, if he didn’t know any better he would say they were a couple, what had that bastard ever done to get so lucky? He made his way over.

“Sansa?” he called

Her smile faded immediately “what’s wrong?” her brow furrowed and she let go of Theon

“um nothing, nothing… just, Jon wants you back home”

“ok? Well, he hasn’t called me or anything…”

If she were any other person Gendry would asked her to get the fuck in the his car, but he couldn’t, not with her, he was stumped, he shot a look at Theon for help.

“we should go home, Sansa, you can call Jon when we are in the car” Theon said and Sansa visibly relaxed

“actually, you have to come with me” Gendry interrupted, he looked at his phone, Jon had already sent four messages asking what was taking so long. “we have to go”

Sansa scoffed and looked back to Theon “GO” he told her firmy. It was enough to make her leave.

“stay here. Wait for Jon’s call” Gendry instructed Theon and followed Sansa out the door.

Once they were in the car and moving, he called Jon “I have her, we are going home, we will take the long way just in case”. Sansa could hear Jon mumble something from the phone but it wasn't clear enough to make it out

“can I talk to him?” Sansa asked and Gendry winced a bit, like it hurt him to say no, he hung up and looked at the road ahead “sorry, Jon is fixing somethings, but you’ll see him soon”

“So he will be at Castle Black, waiting for us?”

“I don’t know”

“you aren’t a good liar, you know?’

“thank you? I guess”

_Ridiculous_ , she thought but his face contorted in a funny way that made her laugh, and there it was, the first time he made her laugh, he wished he could bottle the moment forever. The rest of the ride was filled with awkward small talk, mostly how he met Davos. Sansa was sad his birthday was ruined.

When they got back home, Arya was waiting for them right inside the gates, Sansa hugged her sister quickly and they went inside. Something told her she should turn back though, she saw Gendry watching her walk away, _he was a handsome man_ she thought, she offered him a small smile before the doors closed behind her.

Jon got there an hour later, the only person missing was Theon. Another hour passed and Sansa was growing more and more impatient, she was pacing in her room when suddenly it was too hot, too cramped, and she _needed_ to get outside. She waited on the bench overlooking the gate, Theon would come through any minute now.

What seemed like an eternity later, his car came through, and thank the Gods because Sansa was about to call an airstrike or something. She ran out to meet him

“what the hell, Theon?!”

“sorry, I had to take another route, but I have good news”

“what?”

“I got the cake… at least we have that, right?”

Sansa threw her hands around him and hugged him close, he could smell the lavender in her hair, he loved to see her happy.

* * *

At night, after a second security sweep and guards and every door, they sang Happy Birthday to Davos, he was genuinely surprised and Sansa knew it had been the right decision to celebrate, Ramsay couldn’t stop them from living.

“you were right” Jon said to her, his grey eyes soft in the dim room

“about?”

“the birthday, the damn cake, we needed this, all of us”

Sansa smiled and nodded; she _was_ right. She lifted her glass to Jon, “to Davos” she said, and they drank.

“we need to talk, though” Sansa could tell by his tone that he was serious “meet me in my study after”

* * *

Jon had spent hours thinking about this moment, he had wished it away so many times but the events of today convinced him that it needed to happen. The thought of Sansa in danger was bad enough, but the thought of losing Sansa to Ramsay was excruciating, it would wake him up at night, his brain conjuring images of Ramsay hands over Sansa, gripping her, cutting her, drowning her, killing her. He couldn’t let that happen. He heard Sansa open his door, she came in and sat across from him without waiting to be invited.

“what is it?” she said flatly

“I’ve made a decision”

“let’s hear it”

“I _am_ meeting with Daenerys Targaryen, and after, with or without her help, I’m sending you to Essos”

Sansa couldn’t even find the words to speak, _what the fuck was he thinking?_

“I can’t have you _here_ while we fight this war, Sansa, it’s going to get worse before it gets better.” Jon continued

“so, you think I’ll be better off in _Essos_!?! I don’t know anyone there, I don’t _want_ to know anyone there, what the fuck Jon?! _IM NOT GOING_ ”

“you won’t be alone”

“it doesn’t matter because I’m NOT going”

“look, I need Theon here, to help with the Greyjoy’s... so Gendry is going with you, he is the only one both Arya and I trust and—”

“NO! no. no. no. JON! please don’t do this, it’s _not_ the right call” she yelled, she could hear the anger and venom in her own voice, she was shaking with it. 

“ _Sansa!_ ” Jon yelled back, his voice reverberating in the room, and Sansa was _almost_ scared for a moment, everyone had their limits, even Jon. He settled himself before speaking again

“you once asked me to forgive _Theon_ , a man who _betrayed_ us, betrayed _Robb_ , all but banished our brothers… and I did. I forgave him and _I did it for you_.”

Sansa could not stop the tears from falling now, if this was the price she had to pay for Theon’s freedom, she would, even if it broke her heart.

Jon hated seeing her cry, he was at her side as fast as his legs could move him, he hugged her and she cried in his arms, he tried to soothe her but she kept shaking until finally she pulled away. Her eyes were small, and her lashes stuck together, she looked at him, right into his soul “there must be another way” she said softly

“there isn’t, I shouldn’t be afraid to lose. But I am.  
I’m scared that if we lose, _he_ will get to you, he will own you… I don’t have to tell you what that would be like… And I can’t fight a war with an arm tied behind my back.   
I’m not a Stark, and Arya--- is Arya,   
but _YOU_ , you’re the future and the soul of this house”

There were no more words to be said, she knew his decision was final, her fingers twisted in his shirt and all she could do was cry. She clung to him to his shirt until everything faded to black.

It was one of the hardest conversations Jon ever had, he would have preferred getting his ass kicked any day of the week over this. But then, there she was, in his arms, beautiful as always, he pushed her hair back from her face, it was harder for him to remember the girl he grew up with, she was so different now. He carried her to her room and let her sleep, tomorrow would be a new day.

* * *

  
Sansa woke, her head hurt, and her eyes were puffy, she remembered the conversation with Jon last night, she had a faint memory of being carried, a woody scent surrounding her, had Jon carried her to bed? 

All she wanted to do was sleep and pretend none of it had happened. Theon came to bring her breakfast, she was happy to eat in silence with him, Arya also visited her, she defended Jon even though she didn’t have too, Sansa knew he was doing what he thought was right, she only hoped he really was right. Jon had always been a stickler for “doing the right thing” but ‘right’ and ‘smart’ were rarely synonymous.

When she was alone, she wished she knew Jon better, knew what made him tick, maybe she could find a way to convince him to let her stay, but alas, they were never close as children and while their reunion was touching, as time went on they settled into different roles. Her dealings with Jon were strictly about the family business. She was more of an advisor to him; she wasn’t his friend like Tormund or Edd and even less of a sister like Arya. Last night’s conversation was the most he had ever said to her since she arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fixed some tags, thank you for the feedback :)


	3. Leaving

###  **_Chapter Three: Leaving_**

“Oh, why did people have to be separated before they understood how much they meant to each other?”

  
― **Linda Crew**

* * *

A week later, she was packing her bags, only two luggages of clothes and pictures, whatever else she needed Jon would send money. She had barely spoken to Jon since he gave the news. And even less to Gendry, the man she was supposed to spend the next couple months with. She was miserable and didn’t feel like forcing herself to see the bright side of things, it was exhausting.

Nothing she could do now would stop time, the day she had to leave came faster than she expected. She felt her heart in her throat the whole day, she didn’t know if she could get through it, she had fought so hard to be _here_ , with her family and now she was being sent away.

She said goodbye to Edd, Tormund and Davos, by the time she got to Arya, Sansa wasn’t sure she could keep it together.

“I’ll miss you, really” Arya said, little tears forming in her big brown eyes, she looked years younger than she was.

“I’ll miss you too, take care of these hellions” Sansa hugged her tightly, she prayed it wasn’t the last time she saw her, but if it was, at least she could say goodbye this time.

Theon was at the end; she wasn’t sure she could say goodbye to him. They hugged each other tightly, she never wanted to let go. She couldn’t talk, much less say goodbye.

She felt Jon’s hand on her shoulder, it tore her away from Theon, too soon, but if he hadn’t, she would never leave. The ride to the airport was long, Jon tried to drown out Sansa sobs in the car, he had half a mind to turn back and let her stay. But they were at the airport before he could over think it.

“it’s time, Sansa”

“I don’t know if I can”

“you can…” Jon reached for her hand “plus, you still have me for a couple of more days, I need to know what you think about Daenerys”

Sansa smiled and got off the car, they headed to the plane and she wrapped her arm around Jon’s, afraid she might run away if she wasn’t tethered to him, he held her hand until the plane left the ground.

* * *

It was a long flight to DragonStone, where they were meant to be guests on Daenerys estate. It was a beautiful place, a little gothic, but it worked. They were greeted by Tyrion, it was nice to see him again, he was one of the few people who had been kind to her, even defended her against Joffrey.

“Sansa, you look well” Tyrion stated, she looked different, she donned the “Stark” look, to match her half-brother, all black jeans and shirt, different than the southern styles she wore in kings landing,

“I am, thank you”

Tyrion greeted Jon warmly, like they were old friends, trading lighthearted insults and friendly banter

“Daenerys is attending to some business right now, but she will be back in time for dinner, you can rest or enjoy the grounds until then, I can show you to your rooms”

Sansa’s room was across from Jon, it was lavish and huge, once upon a time she would have been impressed, but now she knew people used luxury and opulence to cover bitter truths. Still, it would be a couple of hours until they were expected at dinner, she used the time to shower and get ready. She fixed her hair in soft waves and changed into something more formal, a black cocktail dress that skiimmed over her body without showing too much skin, simple makeup and heels.

Jon knocked on her door before seven, he looked nice, he had trimmed his beard, his curls were pulled back from his face, all black suit and a crisp white shirt, unbuttoned at the neck. _Perfect_ , she thought.

“new dress?” Jon asked dumbly, she looked like royalty

“I’ve had it for a while, just nowhere to wear it to, I guess”

“right.”

“we should go”

Jon offered her his arm and Sansa took it, they walked down the long, ornate hallway, across the yard and into the main hall. When the doors opened, he saw _her_ , Daenerys Targaryen, white hair perfectly set, piercing eyes, a warm smile, she was beautiful, he willed his feet to keep moving. 

* * *

As Jon and Sansa neared Daenerys, she was able to get a better look at both, if Tyrion hadn’t told her they were siblings Daenerys would have guessed they were another famous Westerosi couple. They didn’t look anything alike, yet they moved in sync. He was handsome, with sharp, dark features and full lips, probably all muscle underneath his clothes. She was gorgeous, tall, slender yet shapely, blood-red hair, yet Daenerys could tell she was young, the last remnants of girlish features clinging to her face, maybe Jon liked that look, she mused.

“welcome” Daenerys extended her hand and Jon tookit, followed by Sansa.

“thank you for the invitation, we hope to come to an agreement while we are here” Jon said, never one to mince words. Daenerys raised an eyebrow, _was everyone in Westeros so forward?_

As they spoke about their plans and the future, Sansa couldn’t help but trust Daenerys less and less. It wasn’t her ambition that scared her per se, but her ideology, she spoke of destiny and fate, saviors and followers. Jon had laid their cards out on the table plainly, he needed her help to unseat the Boltons from the Northern Territory, regain power and rebuilt several of their estates that had suffered.

Daenerys' situation was more complicated, she could force her way to power, she had the money and man power, but if she wanted to be _welcomed_ , she needed allies with the right name, allies like the Starks, and she would need to remove the Lannisters completely. It was strange that no one said the said words like “murder’ or ‘kill’, even though all their plans ended that way.

* * *

Later that night, Jon heard a knock on his door, he expected it to be Sansa, but it was Daenerys.

“sorry to bother you, Jon”

“it’s not a bother, can I… help you?”

“Yes, I was hoping to get a word with you in private, my advisor and your sister seem keen on nitpicking and disagreeing with us, don’t you think?”

“Sansa is... skeptical of many things, she has suffered and wants the best for the North, we all do”

“as have I, for my dream, a dream that is _most_ important to me, a dream you can help me reach”

Jon didn’t say anything, 

“I will take the north back, Ill provide the men and the funds, I will _lose_ men in battle Im sure, but victories are rarely won without blood,   
Your family, your men, all of them… stay safe”

“what do you want in return?”

“when the North is free of the Boltons, I trust your people will support my endevours unanimously and irrevocably, you may keep running the day to day of course and I also expect your House to be bound to my cause, stand with me, support me when I take the rest of Westeros,  
You get what you want, without spilling a drop of Northern blood, and I get my dream”

“we fight our _own_ battles in the North”

“It can be a ‘ _joint_ ’ effort, as long as the result is the same, it makes no difference to me”

“I need something else”

“name it”

“Sansa. Ramsay Bolton has threatened her life… I need to secure her protection in Essos, until its safe for her to return”

“I _can_ provide that to you, to her… however I’ll be honest, I don’t know what I want in return, but when the moment comes, you’ll know the price”

* * *

The next morning, Sansa and Jon ate breakfast in silence, both caught up in their own thoughts

“What did she want?” Sansa broke the silence

“who?”

“you know _who_ , I saw her leave your room last night”

“just more talking… she agreed to providing protection when you are in Essos, you will be staying at her estate in Mareen, I’m told its beautiful”

Sansa nodded “ _She is_ , isn’t she?”

Jon rolled his eyes, it sounded like an accusation, one he couldn’t deflect. “yes, but what that got to do with anything?”

“men have fallen for less”

“she is helping us”

“she is helping _herself_ … just, don’t get caught up… _please_ ”

Jon meant to say more on the topic, but his phone rang just in time, it was Gendry, he had landed in DragonStone already

“Gendry made it, are you ready?”

She thought about her goodbye to Ayra and Theon, just two days ago, as hard as she tried she couldn’t make peace with it, no matter how many times Jon pleaded and reasoned with her, no matter how many times she went over it in her own head.

“I’m ready” it was a lie, but there was no going back either way

Jon drove her to the airport, he was glad she didn’t cry but after a couple of minutes of silence was worse. He could feel the resentment and anger radiating off her, it chilled him to the bone. She looked like she was craved from of stone, just staring off into the distance, there was ice in her veins, so much so he swore it made the temperature drop around her. When they arrived to the private airport, he got off the car and Gendry took her luggage, _two bags_ , all she had left in the world.

“take care of her” Jon said to Gendry

“I will, I swear”

They hugged and Gendry turned to walk on the plane, giving them some privacy.

Sansa wrapped her arms around Jon, her ice melting away, it was tender. Jon whispered in her ear that he would miss her, that he would call her as soon as he was sure the call wouldn’t be tracked, she assured her she would be back in home before Christmas, a whole slew of promises he wasn’t sure he could keep.

But when she pulled away and set her bright blue eyes set on his, she whispered “I think you are making a mistake… I hope I am wrong”

Those words haunted him for months after, sometimes they still did.


	4. Essos

###  **_Chapter Four: Essos_ **

**_  
_**“In every change, in every falling leaf there is some pain, some beauty.  
And that's the way new leaves grow.”

― **Virginia Woolf**

* * *

Sansa didn’t speak the entire flight to Essos, she was glad Gendry didn’t try either, it was hard enough to keep from falling apart let alone having a conversation with anyone.

They landed in Mareen, they had boarded different planes in case they had been seen or followed, she waited in the lobby while Gendry rented a car. On his way back Gendry saw Sansa sitting in the bench with their luggage, she looked so sad.

“HI” he said to her, as if he hadn’t spent the last 8 hours with her, if she had any humor left in her, she would have laughed but all she could do was stare.

“right… umm, I brought you a sandwich, I’m not sure which you like, I can go get another if you want”

“thank you but I’m not hungry”

“Sansa” he kneeled so he could see her face, “you haven’t eaten the whole day… if you don’t like this, we can get something else, anything else”

Sansa looked at the man before her, handsome face, strong shoulders, probably a soldier, but he had kind eyes “thank you” she took the sandwich from him, she hadn’t realized she was hungry until she took the first bite. He sat next to her and they ate in silence.

* * *

  


They arrived in Daenerys’ Estate, it was in the middle of the city, it was gated and had more security than Sansa had ever seen, maybe even more than the Red Keep. It should have made her feel safe, but it felt more like a cage. Daario Naharis was waiting for them in the main house. He was a tall, attractive, overly confident man, nothing about him was subtle, especially the way he looked at her and likely any woman with a pulse.

“welcome Miss Stark, we have been waiting for you”

“thank you”

“I _heard_ the Starks hid a beauty in the cold, seems like some rumors are true after all”

Gendry let out an audible groan, tired from the flight and in an increasing bad mood as this clown attempted to flirt with Sansa. 

“I see your dog take offence to compliments”

“that’s quite enough” Sansa spoke, her voice firm without being loud “He is not a dog, far from it, and you aren’t as charming as you think… maybe you could consider being of service and show us to our rooms, it’s been a long day”

Daario scoffed, too full of himself to be offended “as you wish, miss, but you won’t be staying in the main house, you have your own guest house waiting for you… its still on the property of course, well-guarded but Daenerys wanted you to feel you had a place of your own here, you can paint, arrange, move anything you wish, Daenerys wants you to feel at home”

Sansa nodded, they followed Daario through the main house and out the back, they had to take a golf cart to the other side of the estate, her new home was a modern build, huge floor-to ceiling windows, and sleek appliances, and most importantly _two_ bedrooms.

After Daario finally left, they walked into their new home, Sansa checked out the kitchen and movie room until she settled in her new room and started unpacking her things, clothes that were way too hot to wear in this weather, pictures of those she left behind, she felt the tears stinging behind her eyes again. Maybe she could stay in her room until Jon came for them.

* * *

It had been six days since they arrived and Gendry had a bad case of cabin fever, he was used to going outside, he was used to talking to people, but all he had for company was a _pretty_ but sad girl. A girl who hadn’t eaten or spoken in days, and when she _did_ speak, it was only to asked if Jon had called, he hadn’t, which made everything so much worse. He had to do something.

Sansa heard a knock on her door, she wasn’t hungry and didn’t feel like leaving her room. Still she sat up, she didn’t want to be rude.

“come in”

Gendry stepped tentatively into her room, it was pristine except for the bed… and Sansa, her hair was pulled into a messy bun, stayaways everywhere, still, there was something about her that would always make him forget what to say.

“um sorry, were you sleeping?”

It was 11 in the morning, Sansa wasn’t sleeping, she wasn’t doing anything, both were embarrassing

“umm no, I was just… here” she said sheepishly

They both let out a small laugh

“well, I was thinking… that maybe you wanted to get dinner… like somewhere that’s not… here?”

_A date?_ She thought but shook the idea out of her mind, “where would we go?”

“I’m not sure, I could ask one of the security guards or something, see what’s good?”

“um yeah, maybe something not too far, just in case”

“yeah of course, so is 7 ok?”

“yea that’s fine”

Gendry left her room and she looked through her closet for something to wear, it was the first thing she had to look forward to in what felt like ages. When it was time to get dressed, she pulled her hair back into a sleek pony, jeans and a white t-shirt, nothing fancy, she didn’t think Gendry would choose anything to formal. She walked into the kitchen to see if he was ready.

“hey” she called behind him, he was looking for something in the pantry

“hey, are you ready?” he turned around and his heart almost stopped, “you look… really pretty” he cleared his throat.

“thanks… I guess I haven’t been out of pajamas in a while”

“well you look pretty in those too”

It would have sounded incredibly cheesy coming from anyone else, but she knew he meant it. She laughed and felt a blush creep into her chest and cheeks.

“so, where are we going?”

“um, there is a pizza place down the street and then there a diner a little further one of the guard said his kids like… unless you feel like something else... I got a couple of recommendations”

“sounds like you did your research”

“yeah!” Gendry smiled

“um... the diner sound good”

“great! Let’s go”

The diner was small, but the food was good, and the waitress was nice. Everything was different on this side of the world, but in this booth and with Gendry, it almost feels like home. They eat and talk a little, nothing too deep but its comfortable. He teases her for ordering pancakes at night but then ends up ordering a short stack for himself. It was a good night.

When they got home, Sansa couldn’t bring herself to step inside, that house was another prison and her feet couldn’t move another inch.

“are you okay?” Gendry asked

Sansa couldn’t say anything, tonight had been good and she was ruining it, she tried to swallow the lump in her throat.

“hey, its ok” Gendry turned to face her “its ok, we are going to be fine” the only thing he could think of doing was holding her, so he did. She buried her face in his shoulder and she could breathe again.

“I hate this place” she said, voice full of rage “I hate that we are here, and you, you have to be here because of me”

“Sansa, we will be back home before you know it, and even if we never go back, I chose this, I chose to be here”

“why?”

“you’re important” he shrugged “you’re the future”

She heard Jon’s words through Gendry and it was comforting and irritating at the same time, Sansa hugged him then, it was strange to find so much comfort with a stranger, but she finally felt like she could breathe. The warm air filled her lungs and she wondered how long it would take for it not to burn.

* * *

As the days passed Sansa felt better, she liked to visit the gardens when it wasn’t too hot but mostly, she stayed with Gendry, watching movies or cooking, he was a pretty good cook. They grew closer everyday, small talk here and there but getting deeper with each conversation.

Two months went by before they got a call from Jon, he apologized for not calling sooner but things were getting rough in Westeros. Daenerys had an army, but they all underestimated Ramsay’s viciousness, he was willing to win at all costs, no morals or mercy to interfere with his victory.

Hearing news of home made her heart sink, she knew Ramsay better than any of them, she could help if she wasn’t a thousand miles away.

After Jon’s phone call, Sansa stayed in her room for a week, all the progress Gendry made with her seemed to vanish. He almost wished Jon wouldn’t call again, and if he did, it was because there was good news. Still, he couldn’t give up, especially not on Sansa, he had seen a different side to her, before the call, and he would do anything to see that side of her again.

* * *

Another month went by without a call, all her sadness had turned to rage, her blood boiled when she thought of Jon, of all the promises he was breaking, and how she was letting him ruin her life by forcing her to hang on his every word. It was irrational and selfish and not the kind of person she wanted to be, but she still felt it.

In the middle of her nightly wallowing, she heard Gendry rummaging around the pantry, no doubt for a snack before bed as he tended to do. She saw him in the kitchen, setting up an elaborate mess of cookies, marshmallows, and chocolate, way too much for one person. Suddenly he looked so young and she felt sad for him, he just a boy world away from home sitting in an empty kitchen. _But he isn’t alone, I’m here, or at least I could try._

“hey”

“ummm.. hey?” he said with a mouth full “do you want one?” he held his plate to her

She laughed softly and shook her head, feeling a need to apologize “I’m sorry…”

“for what?”

“for being so _miserable_ this entire time, its selfish, and I don’t want to be selfish…   
So, I figure that while we are here, we might as well be ---not miserable”

“um yea” his face lit up “that sounds good” Gendry was happy to see her out of that damn room, even if he didn’t understand why the sudden change, but he wasn’t complaining.

“so… is there something you want to do?”

“I’d like to work” he said honestly “I can’t just sit around anymore”

Sansa raised an eyebrow, she was thinking more along the lines of going to the movies or the beach but if working was important to Gendry, then it would be important to her. 

“we can talk to Daario, I’m sure he can find something for you”

“hell no, I’m not talking to that asshole, I saw a car shop hiring a couple of blocks from here, I could do that, it’s what I did back home, if you don’t mind”

“you don’t need my permission Gendry; besides, I think it’s a good idea, this house can be… it would be good to get out”

“what about you?”

“I don’t know, Merida keeps inviting me to her store, and I think I’d like to see the beach”

“let’s go!”

“now? Its already dark”

“yeah, right now”

He looked so thrilled she couldn’t bring herself to say no.   
The beach was beautiful, even in the dark, the moon reflected in the water, the stars danced above them and the waves crashed softly into the sand leaving behind moon-lit foam. She felt the water reach her toes, it was cold, but she welcomed the feeling.

“you’re smiling” Gendry said, half amused

Sansa hadn’t even realized it, but she was, the realization made her laugh, it felt like a flutter on her lips. The sound echoed in Gendry’s ears, filled his head and all he wanted was to hear it again. He laughed with her, a giddiness over taking both. Sansa felt light, like she had drunk too much wine, she ran farther into the water and splashed Gendry with as much water as she could.

“fuck! That’s cold!” Gendry yelled as he ran towards her. Sansa moved out of the way, but he still caught her by the arm and they both fell into the ocean, a wave coming over them, so they were both pulled underwater.

When she resurfaced, she laughed and dunked him back under while he tried to bring her down again, they played like this until her ribs hurt from laughing. There are no beaches in Winterfell, _and no Gendry_ she mused.

“OK! Ok! I give up, you win! You win!” she announced as she regained her breath, she had swallowed a bit of water the last time she went under, but she didn’t care. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist lifting her up, she kicked in the air and issued a playful warning.

Gendry laughed and set her back down in front of him, they were both breathing hard, the waves crashed into them, making her sway but not enough to tear her eyes from his. Gods, she was beautiful, her hair stuck to her face and the moonlight made her skin glow. He leaned in closer so he could feel her breath on his lips, her lips brushed over his lightly until they settled on the corner of his mouth, placing a small kiss there. Too far and too close for comfort. 

“thank you, Gendry”

Her words were a whisper, drowned by the sound of the sea, she grabbed his hand and led him out of the water. When she looked back at him, she seemed different tonight, free and light, her eyes low and a soft smile.

Sansa had half a mind to lay them down in the sand and kiss him again and again. To let him touch her more and more, see how far they could go, but she lost her nerve as the water grew shallow. She hadn’t been with anyone ever. They dried off as much as they could and drove back home. Sansa thought of Gendry that night and slept better than she had since she left home, maybe even before then.


	5. Golden

###  **_Chapter Five: Golden_ **

I was a child and she was a child,  
In this kingdom by the sea,  
But we loved with a love that was more than love—  
I and my Annabel Lee

**— Edgar Allen Poe**

* * *

****

It had been a couple of days since the beach and the almost-kiss, but it seemed like that moment lived between them. His fingers ached to touch her again, and to have her in his arms, he would often catch her staring, but they lived in the same house and the last thing he wanted was for her to feel unsafe or forced. 

It was a peaceful Saturday afternoon, Sansa was watching TV and reading a magazine, her feet curled under her while Gendry made some popcorn in the kitchen. She looked different today, the constant Essos sun had made her freckles stand out more, giving her a slightly gold hue to her skin. Gendry cursed under his breath when they heard the phone ring, it had been almost 3 months since they last heard from _him_.

Sansa pulled herself off the couch immediately, magazine dropping to the floor, the phone rang again, growing louder in the silence. Gendry picked it up and offered it to Sansa, she stared at it until something like anger and pain flashed in her eyes.

“No” She pushed Gendry’s hand away from her “I’m not going to do _this_. Tell him _not_ to call unless we can come home, I don’t want to hear anything else”

“Sansa—”

“ _tell. him._ ” She pushed the phone into his chest and left the room; in the background she could hear Gendry speaking.

_“hello”_

_“Gendry?”_

_“yeah, it’s me…”_

_“where is Sansa? Is she ok?”_

_“yea, yes, she is fine, but… um, she can’t come to the phone right now”_

_“she can’t? Or she won’t?”_

_“well…”_

_“Gods, she can be so stubborn!”_

_“she is going through a lot, its hard on her”_

_“I know, we all are”_

_“so, what happened”_

_“the Bolton’s still have Winterfell, Ramsay murdered an entire Dothraki squad, good men, even killing some of his own, we need to go back to the drawing board, it could be a while before we win,  
before you both can come home……. But tell me about Sansa, is she doing alright? all things considered… can you put her on?, or put me on speaker, anything, I just want to hear her voice”_

Gendry was about to answer the million questions Jon asked, but suddenly Sansa ripped the phone away from Gendry’s hand, he hadn’t even heard her come back.

_“don’t call until we can come home”_

_“Sansa— I don’t know when that will be…”_

_“Goodbye, Jon”_

She hung up the phone, her hands trembling but a new resolve formed stronger in her mind, she _would_ be happy, no matter what it cost her. Gendry made her happy, happier than she had been in a long time.

She threw the phone across the room and heard it break on the floor, she lunged forward and wrapped her arms around Gendry before kissing him, he stumbled back from the force, just a bit before his arms came around her waist and pulled her closer. The kiss was bruising, all teeth and pressure until he steadied them, so they were breathing in unison.

Her head was spinning, a mixture of emotions, she couldn’t tell where one ended an the other began, she was angry at Jon and desperate to feel anything else, anything that would stop the pain, and then there was Gendry, she wanted to pour everything into him, she wanted him to want her with the same passion, she felt a burning desire coil between her thighs. She kissed him again, slower but just as passionately, there was no mistaking her intention, she could feel him hard against her thigh, at least they were on the page wavelength. 

“Sansa…” 

“ _please_ , don’t say we should stop”

She searched his brown eyes, saw the hesitation, but she also saw the need, he wanted her, maybe even more than she wanted him. She shifted slightly in his arms, just enough that her hips brushed his groin. Gendry shut his eyes, he wasn’t getting out of this one, worse, he knew he didn’t want to. He tangled a hand in her hair, the other trailed down her back, passing hem of her shirt and down toward her ass. She smiled against his mouth. She liked that.

“I don’t _want_ to stop, but I want you to be sure you want this… and not because your upset that Jon called”

She considered his words for a minute, the longest minute of Gendry’s life, she shouldnt lie but she couldn't turn back either 

“It’s not Jon, it’s about _us_ … _I want to be with you_ ” 

She didn’t need to elaborate thankfully, Gendry understood things that she spent hours overthinking, she wished she were more like him in that way. He kissed her again, his tongue brushing against her lips until it tangled with hers, the sensation making her legs rub together.

He hooked his hands under her and lifted her off the floor so she could wrap her legs around him, he set her on the kitchen counter. It was cold against her skin, it burned and soothed her at the same time, mirroring everything she felt inside. She looked at him through long lashes, blushing.

“you wanna stop?” he asked and prayed she said no.

She shook her head “no, but I should tell you that I’ve never done this before… with anyone… ever”

He was surprised to hear it, but it wasn’t that strange, growing up the way she did, _hell_ , he was only two years older and had only been with two women before this. “Well, I’m no expert…” he shrugged “but we can try… if you still want to”

Sansa smiled at that “take me to your bed”

He carried her to his room like she asked, grateful he hadn’t left anything embarrassing out, he laid her gently on his bed and crawled on top of her. He felt good between her legs, the weight of him, heavy but not crushing, she kissed him again and again until she was sure her lips were bruised and the heat low in her belly threatened to spill over.

Gendry moved his mouth over her jaw and down to her neck, to a spot that made her shiver. Gendry groaned against her, the noise vibrating through her spine. He moved his mouth lower, down her throat as his hands pulled the shirt she was wearing over her head, his tongued circled her nipple and it earned him the most precious moan from Sansa.

Her hands snaked between their bodies so he could untie his shorts, she wasn’t sure what it would feel like, but her body felt empty, it needed him inside her. He helped her push his shorts down, so his cock was free, he rubbed himself against her, it took all his will power to not come right then and there.

“are you ok?” he asked in between kisses

“yeah, I’m ok”

Gendry took of his shirt, so he could feel her skin on his, and he pushed in softly, just the head at first, letting her get used to the invasion. Sansa closed her eyes for a second, she felt a strange pressure prying her open only offset by the pleasure she was also feeling. Gentle as he was, she wanted more, needed more, she wanted him to keep going even if she came apart. He kept pushing and she felt something give way, like a snap or a pinch that faded quicker than it lasted, and when he was buried all the way in, she swore it was possible to burn without dying.

“fuck, you’re perfect” he whispered against her skin

He pulled out and pushed back in slowly, again and again, until Sansa was writhing, soft moans escaping her. He tried thinking about everything except the beautiful girl beneath him, just to last a bit longer. But soon he felt her pulse around him, she felt her orgasm building, she had brought herself to the edge with her own hands before, but nothing could prepare her for the wave of pleasure rocking into her now. She didn’t even notice Gendry pull out and cum on her thigh.

“Sorry, I didn’t know if… and we didn’t have a condom and---”

She hears Gendry’s voice as she is coming back down to earth, but she isn’t sure what he is actually saying, but she knows that it is sweet from the way he is blubbering on.

“Gendry. Its fine, _I’m fine_ ”

He let out a sigh of relief and smiled, a goofy, silly, smile that made her heart want to explode and kiss him all over again. _Is this happiness?_ She wondered _; it must be._

* * *

And that is how she fell in love with Gendry, one smile at a time, one kiss at a time, one day at a time. He was always kind, the kind of man who randomly brought her flowers or ice cream after work, and kissed her face and hair in public, he told bad jokes and had the worse taste in movies, but Sansa loved him all the same, even for his flaws. Their life together was quaint, a far cry from anything they would have had in Westeros, there was no duty to surnames and credos, only duty to each other.

She learned so much about herself with him, from navigating her own flaws and temperament to what she liked in the bedroom. They explored the things that drove her wild and him crazy. She cherished every single moment at his side and in their bed. Some days she thought of Jon, wondered if he missed her, she wondered about everyone she left behind, if they were happy, if they had half of what she had with Gendry. Maybe they had more, maybe they had less. Most days she wished that Jon would never call again, that Westeros would forget all about Sansa Stark, the daughter of Winterfell, and Gendry Waters, the last known son of Robert Baratheon.

* * *

Before she knew it, three years had passed, Jon called every couple of months but only spoke to Gendry, Sansa didnt need the details, the only exception was her birthday, that was the only time she heard his voice. But nothing had changed, they couldn’t come home. Last year, Jon told her they had found Bran and Rickon, but they too were sent away, beyond the Wall where the Bolton’s couldn’t reach them. That was a good birthday, she wondered what her brothers were like now, Bran would be nearly a man, and Rickon would be far from the cherub faced baby she doted over a lifetime ago. 

Gendry kissed away the sadness from her skin that night, she can still remember his skin over hers.

A month after her twenty-first birthday, Gendry asked her to marry him. It took her aback, but she said yes, she had never been so happy in her entire life. They were married a week later, no one walked her down the aisle or gave her away, there was no Godswood or heart tree or Olden Gods Vows, but there was love and that was enough. They had a small Meridian ceremony, in their fashion she wore an airy pale pink wedding dress and flowers in her hair, a few friends they made in the estate and at work, plenty of food and drinks after. Gendry danced with her the entire night, and when they went home, he picked the flowers out of her hair and made love in a bed of wild flowers. 

* * *

“good morning, _Wife_ ” Gendry wrapped an arm around her waist

“will you ever get tired of saying that? it’s been almost a year” she chided without being mad, but she was always moody around her birthdays. 

“No, I’ll say it for the rest of my life” he laughed, and she kissed him, smiling against his mouth

“Tomorrow is your birthday, twenty-two now, are you ready for _the_ call”

“it’s the same every year” she shrugged

“we should tell him… about us, we got married for God’s sake!”

“I know, but…”

“are you embarrassed?”

“what? No!” The relationship between herself and Jon had deteriorated significantly, he felt more and more like a stranger, he was hard to read even whe they were kids, the last time she told him she liked someone he stromed out of the room. _Given, she was thirteen and talking about Joffrey_ but still she didtn know which way it would go. She didnt even know why it bothered her. Maybe it was because the world had never let her have anything good, it was like once the world knew, it was sure to take it away   
  
“we can tell him tomorrow ok?... _well you can_ ” she poked Gendry in the chest.

“Oh, so that’s how it is!?”

Gendry flipped them over, so she was on top. She laughed and rolled her hips slowly, felt him harden underneath her…

* * *

The next day, she woke up feeling nervous despite knowing Jon would have the same news, they couldn’t come home, but everything was putting her on edge, her birthday, the yearly awkward call, the fact they were going to finally tell Jon she was married to Gendry... for a year. She supposed Jon would be happy for them though, he knew Gendry, trusted him obviously, maybe one day she could tell him he would be an uncle, that would surely melt his heart.

Gendry took her out to breakfast that morning, they ate pancakes and ice cream before going to walk around the market. They walked hand in hand for a couple of hours, until her feet hurt and the sun beat too hot on her skin. On the way home, they listened to the radio as Gendry sang loudly and off tune in the car, making her laugh until her lungs hurt.

Once inside the estate, as they approached their home, they saw a stranger waiting on the porch and her heart dropped to the ground.


	6. Homecoming

**_Chapter Six: Homecoming_ **

“You can cut all the flowers   
but you cannot keep Spring from coming.”

#### -Pablo Neruda 

* * *

“Theon?”

Sansa couldn’t believe her eyes, it was like seeing a ghost, a relic from a different lifetime. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything, nothing good, nothing bad. She once loved Theon with all her heart, she still does, he was part of the reason she accepted Jon’s terms to hide her in Essos but seeing him now felt like a slap across the face. No warning, no mercy. Thank the Gods for Gendry, whose arm kept her from collapsing to the ground entirely.

“Let’s go inside” Gendry finally said

Sansa and Gendry sat across from Theon in their kitchen, he looked like the Theon of her childhood, not the one who escaped Winterfell with her, but his eyes were still sad, she wondered if her own eyes had the same look.

Theon informs them that the Boltons were finally gone, Ramsay fell at Jon own hands about 8 months ago, Jon and Daenerys set their eyes on the South now, as was their deal. The Lannister’s fell quicker, their money had run dry and after Ramsay’s ruthlessness they had few friends. Cersei was equally as vicious, but she had made many enemies, most houses stopped coming to their aid after the Boltons were gone. Even though the Lannister’s were gone, most major houses had not pledged themselves to Daenerys either, each content with running their own affairs for a change. There was a huge power vacuum as Tyrion had predicted, much to Daenerys dismay. her real challenge was bring people to her side, people loyal to her. Her campaign to expand her power and loyalty was proving just as hard as removing the Lannister’s.

“… but the men grow weary of fighting and looking behind their back, Jon has the loyalty of the men, the soldiers, but the people calling the shots back home in the North, need someone in the North. Bran is devoted to religion and Rickon… is too young.”

Sansa knows what Theon is asking but she can’t bring herself to accept it “What about Arya? I haven’t been home in three years, who would listen to me?”

“Arya refuses, she had been waiting to move against the Lannister’s a long time…   
and after, if there is an after, she is dead set on moving to Braavos  
Daenerys has made more enemies than friends, other than Jon, he is with her to the end.  
He sent me here… to bring you home, Sansa”

There it was --the words she had been waiting to hear for so long—except now, they sounded like a death sentence.

Sansa Waters couldnt leave Essos, and Sansa Stark couldnt stay, the words stuck to her throat and she couldnt speak, afraid her words would betray her. She had to get out of this kitchen. Once outside, warm air filled her lungs as she took a deep breath, Gendry caught up to her and brought her into his arms, kissed her hair as she cried.

“baby… I know its hard, I know we have our home here, but my _life_ is wherever you are, it doesn’t matter if we are in Winterfell or Mareen, I only need you”

“Gendry, we don’t _know_ what is waiting for us in Westeros”

“ok, then we will stay.” Gendry said the words, knowing it was impossible

She wished it were that simple, she thought of Gendry who was still holding her in his arms, he had left behind his family too --Davos and Arya-- would she deny him a lifetime without them too?  


* * *

At night, Sansa slipped out of bed to stroll the gardens, hoping they could offer some kind of clarity. By the fountain she saw Theon, staring into the water, she called his name and when he turned, a knot formed in her throat, really feeling how much she had truly missed him, all she could do was run into his arms. He hugged her fiercely, the way he had all those years ago. It was the first time in months she felt the pang of home in her chest, it was so heavy she had to let go. They sat side by side on the fountain.

“I’m sorry” She said “I was happy to see you before, I just… I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting you”

“It’s ok… Happy Birthday”

“thanks, its one to remember”

“so, you and Gendry?” he quirked his eyebrow, genuinely curios

“it is that obvious?”

“yes” he said immediately, it was.

“Gods, well _YES_ , I’m with him” Sansa thought about telling him they were married, but a little voice in her head reminded her that maybe she didn’t _know_ Theon anymore, not like before “What about you? Anyone special?”

“um yeah, actually, Jeyne… your friend from elementary, its new but… I like her, I think she likes me”   
Theon had once wished that thing between him and Sansa were different, maybe if he was the one that went away to Essos with her, they could have been, but he had resigned himself long ago, he and Sansa were meant to be friends. 

“I’m sure she does, I know for a fact she used to have a crush on you” Sansa nudged his shoulder

Theon searched her eyes, looking for a sign but they didn’t give anything away

“Sansa… will you come home?”

* * *

Gendry nudged his nose against her neck in the morning “where did you run off to last night?”

“just the gardens”

“hmm and did they give you the answer?”

She turned her body so they were face to face “Will you still love me in Westeros? When I’m back to being Sansa Stark?”

“I’d love you anywhere”

They made love that morning, it was sweet and gentle, he held her in his arms and kissed her skin, buried himself inside of her, until they both came down from their high. He didn’t know it then, but it was the last time he would ever share her bed.

* * *

Hours later she was packing everything important to her for the second time in her life, hoping she had made the right decision. Theon made the arrangements for the three of them and they left Essos the same day. Sansa barely had time to say goodbye to the friends she had made, just a call and quick hug, she would probably never see them again.

* * *

Jon paced back and forth in his room, waiting for a call from Theon, he knew he had made contact yesterday, but Sansa was undecided. Jon would have gone himself, if not for the Daeneyrs' demands, besides Sansa was more likely to slap him across the face than to return to Westeros with him. And she was probably right to do so, if anyone could convince her, it was Theon.

“have you heard back?” Arya entered his room without so much as a knock

“No, I haven’t" he pinched the bridge of his nose "please knock”

undetered Arya continued, “She _will_ come home Jon, Sansa always does the right thing”

“I’m worried there is no home left for her to return to…”

“Speaking of…. _She_ is out of control; the news of your real parents has really messed with her...  
how long are we going to stay aligned with her?”

“Until the end, Arya, _you know that_. We owe her, I most of all”

“I know she helped us, and we are doing all we can for her! Following her around, meeting after meetings after meetings!  
Its been years! We won our home back and we haven’t even been in Winterfell for longer than one week, before she dragged us back to DragonStone”

“Winterfell is _your_ home, and Sansa, once she takes her seat on the board, everything will be different, everyone will be appeased"

“and what about your ‘queen’? When will she be appeased?”

The truth lingered between them, but Jon didn’t have an answer for her. He _loved_ Dany, with every once of his being once, he would give any part of himself for her success. He hated seeing her like this, torn between her ambition and love, the truth of his parentage had rocked her, it had rocked the whole of Westeros, families and politicians he had never met called for him to take his place in the Capital. They tried everything they could to pit him against her. It didnt work but it set everything on edge. 

The situation enraged Dany, it tested her resolve and faith in him, in all of them, she grew paranoid and resentful with each passing day. Jon wished he could hold her, until they both forgot the world around them, the same way they had made love so many times before, but things were impossible between them now, she was his aunt, and the thought didn’t sit well with him, neither did it with the Stark loyalists, whom he was fighting to control now that it was known he wasn’t Ned Starks son. Instead he was the son of Rhaegar Targaryen, a man despised through the North.

* * *

“when will your _cousin_ arrive?” Dany asked coolly in front of their council and advisors.

“She will be here late; they were able to catch the last flight of the day”

“and Theon and Gendry are accompanying her?”

“yes, they will arrive as well”

How easily her once-lover lied to her now, Dany thought, she knew exactly who Gendry Waters was. Her spies in Westeros and Essos had discover the truth, he was a Baratheon through and through, coming over to try his hand and take her seat from under her, like his father had taken from her own, all with the help of his blushing bride. 

* * *

Sansa, Gendry and Theon arrived just before midnight to DragonStone, the flight was long and nerves really drained everyone. Still as they drove from the airport to the estate, she couldn’t help feeling a sense of hope, she had Gendry at her side and she was sure Jon would give them their blessing, they could even get married legally in Westeros to make it official.

She stepped off the car, the first person she saw was Daenerys, her snow-white hair setting her apart from everyone else. Next to her, were Jon and Ayra, she was the first to break rank and hug Sansa. She was always such a petite girl; it was miracle how much damage she could inflict. Jon came up to them next with a boy in a wheel chair, it was Bran of course, his face long and stoic but his eyes were bright, , she hugged him tightly and felt her siblings joining them, no words were said but she felt the love all around her. In the corner of her eye she could see Davos and Gendry hugging, a small tear in Gendry’s face. Arya opened and invited Davos, Gendry and Theon into the fold. She was finally home.

It was strange to have so much of her family in one place, it was overwhelming but there was still one missing…

“where is Rickon?!”

No one said anything for a long time, until she heard a voice behind her

“oh Sansa, you didn’t know?” Daenerys was speaking

“Dany—” Jon warned

“Rickon is _dead_ , Ramsay killed him, before he fell”

Sansa whipped her head around to Jon, hoping it was a vile lie, but Jon’s eyes and Rickon’s absence confirmed the truth, she felt the world spin around her.

“And...” Dany continued “you travel with a _traitor_ , but I think you already knew about that… _didn’t you_?”

Both of their eyes flickered to Gendry “ARREST. HIM.”   


As soon as the command was given, a flurry of guards rushed Gendry, bringing him to the ground, she could hear herself yell at the top of her lungs, she could see other guards hold Jon and Arya and even Davos off, she ran towards him, she felt a guard haul her off the ground and throw her to the ground, she barely noticed the pain when her vision faded to black.


	7. The Truce

###  **Chapter Seven: The Truce**

“In this part of the story I am the one who dies,   
the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,  
because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood.”   
― **Pablo Neruda**

* * *

As soon as the guards let them free, Jon raced to Dany’s room. Leaving instructions with Arya to _not_ make a move until he returned but to prepare to leave as soon as possible.

There were ten guards at her door, excessive even for her, he yelled her name from across the sea of guards. After a moment, Tyrion exited her room and let Jon enter, they exchanged a look, she was angry. Still, Jon barged in. 

“Dany! what are you thinking? you have to release him”

“You are in no position to make demands, Jon”

“Release him.”

“do you know _who_ he is?”

“yes”

Her eyed widened “and you never told me _because_ …?”

“Gendry never met Robert, he didn’t even know who he was until he was out of the army, he doesn’t care about lands or politics or power”

“Then why does he serve the Starks?  
 _Everyone chooses_ a side in this world, and this boy has chosen his, as has Sansa.   
He may not care about power _now_ , but what about when she whispers in his ear, but what about when he has children of his own, and nothing to offer her or them? what wouldn’t he do to secure their future? What then?”

“Dany!?! What are you talking about?! Gendry is a _soldier_ and Sansa? She hates the south, believe me, she wants no part of it”

“but she loves the boy”

_Sansa couldn’t be in love with Gendry, could she?_ Jon knew they grew close during their time in Essos, it would be impossible for them not to, but neither had mentioned anything like that to him, of course, a couple of conversations and a yearly happy birthday didn’t paint a clear picture either. He thought back to the brief minutes he had with Sansa, the way she looked at Gendry the entire time…

“It’s not like that!” Jon blurted out, negating his thoughts as much as Daenerys’   
“There has to be another way, make him swear fealty or send him back to Essos, I will take personal responsibility for him”

“Why?” Dany rolled her eyes “he will resent me always, the promise of power is poison in a poor man’s mind” 

“He won’t”

“I don’t know that”

“you have my word”

“and where has that gotten me?”

* * *

Sansa awoke the next day in a foreign bedroom, as she blinked, she recognized it as the same room she stayed in before she left for Essos. A dull pain resonated in the back of her head proving that yesterday’s nightmare was, in fact, real. She wore the same clothes, muddied from being tackled to the ground. Her heart was broken, for her little Rickon, she couldn’t bear to think in what manner he died at Ramsay’s hand. And for Gendry, ripped from her arms and likely to suffer a similar fate.

She found the strength in her legs to move, she had to find Jon. She opened the bedroom door, there were guards at the end of the hall, still she was free to open the doors to the rooms around hers, they were all empty. Her only option was to get past them.

“I need to pass, I have to find Jon, my _brother_ ”

One of the guards scoffed, and then they both laughed like she had said something ridiculous “You cannot leave this wing, Daenerys orders.” one of them finally said

“I don’t give a fuck about _her_ orders, let me through!” She tried to push by, but they held her back, one of them roughly grabbing her wrists, while the other lifted her off the ground, leaving her to kick wildly in the air. “let me go!” she yelled and fought loudly.

“let her the fuck go!” she heard Jon yell as he came up to them, The guards backed off almost immediately “touch her again and I’ll kill you myself” he threatened before grabbing Sansa by the arm, using almost the same force the guards had, he practically pushed her into her room.

“Sansa, what is wrong with you?”

“Me?! What the fuck is wrong with _you_?? And where the fuck is Gendry??!”

“Sansa, I’m working on getting him out, but you can’t go around attacking the guards and… ”

“and what?!? What could be worse than this?”

“what happened between you and Gendry, in Essos?” Jon needed to ask

“why does it matter?”

“It does, Sansa.” The words were said through gritted teeth “what happened? Are you with him? Are you…? I don’t know, involved? Casual?”

“I love him!” Sansa blurted out “we are _married_ for God’s sake, Jon! We have to do something; _you_ have to do something!”

The confession nearly knocked Jon over, his little sister _-cousin-_ married… he ran his hands down his face, he didn’t know what to feel.

“say something.” her voice shook “Daenerys trusts you, I’m sure you have _something_ on her, something you can use for leverage, you have been at her side all of these _YEARS_ , Jon, there has to be something we can use!!”

“Sansa-- things are different, you have been gone a long time…”

“as whose fault is that, Jon” she didn’t mean for the words to sound so vicious but something about Jon always brought her worse temperament.

Jon dropped his head before taking a breath and continuing, “ _look_ , Daenerys and I… we were together for two years, until…”

“until what? Did you cheat on her? Is this payback?”

“no! why would you--- of course not”

“then WHAT? What happened?!”

“Sansa! I’m not your brother, I’m not even your half-brother because I’m not Ned Stark’s son!  
My father was Rheagar Targaryen and my mother was Lyanna Stark, after their death, Ned kept me safe from Robert and the Lannister’s

It was Sansa’s turn to be floored by the news, _what the hell was he saying?_ _What the hell was happening to everyone around her?_ The only thing she knew for sure was that Westeros was a monster, _a fiend_ , hell-bent on setting fire to everything around her. She shook her head, _it couldn’t be true_.

She took in his words, she had questions and he answered them all, as best he could anyway, with no one alive to confirm the story, they mostly knew from diaries kept by caretakers and some hidden public records, they filled in the blanks of what they thought happened. Tears welled in her eyes when she thought of her mother, who died without knowing the truth, a truth that would have relieved her soul had things been different. _It could have all been so different._

“Daenerys is my aunt by blood, I couldn’t be with her anymore, even if I could get over it somehow, after the news got out she was different, withdrawn, angry, cold, she wouldn’t trust anyone but herself. And now, all of Westeros is watching her, waiting to see what she does next, they are waiting for her to make a mistake so they can pull the rug out from under her, that is why Gendry is a threat to her, and you too now, and its why she won’t trust me”

Jon’s voice was so sad, like his heart broke with every word

“Did you love her?” Sansa asked before she could convince herself not too

“yes”

“There has to be a way”

“I am trying”

She could see he was, the truth was eating him from the inside, she felt sorry for Jon, for the first time in a long time, ever since she knew him, he had a plan an internal compass that led him, but she couldn’t see that in him anymore _. He was lost._

“Jon, you _are_ family, nothing can change that, we will get through this, we just need a plan”

“where do we even start?”

“what does she want the most? Above anything else?”

“I don’t know anymore”

“yes, you do”

“Legacy. The Capital”

* * *

Days passed and the guards kept Sansa locked in, barely seeing Jon on occasion, Arya and the rest had managed to leave the second night, at least they were far away from this place. Only Jon and Sansa were left, and they were being heavily guarded.

Tyrion visited her one day, she pleaded Gendry’s case, for his life, but he offered little comfort, he had advised Daenerys for years now, he knew when her mind was made up. His visit left her feeling hopeless hours after he left. His words echoing in her head

“you as well as I know the weight or a surname, it defines you completely where we are from”

“who presses his claim?”

“Stannis. He left his estate to the bastard should his wife and daughter die, which they have, and now his generals call their heir back to the Crownlands,   
I should warn you… if she lets him live, and that is a big IF, her terms won’t be easy”

* * *

Daenerys invited Sansa to dinner, just the two of them, Sansa walked into her suite and sat across from her, light from the window shining softly into the room did nothing to warm either woman.

“are you well, Sansa?”

“I have been better” Sansa said dryly

“of course, it must be so dreary here, after all the time spent in the sun kissed city of Mareen”

“Mareen is a beautiful city”

Dany smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes “You love him.” She stated as a fact

“Yes” Sansa answered simply “and you love Jon”   
Sansa sat back in her chair, an effortless motion though it was a farce. She saw the twitch in Daenerys jaw.

“I do” Dany admitted “and it cost me everything...”

“There is always a price”

“my, my, my, little fox, what has the world taught you since we last saw you?

I wonder what price _you_ would be willing to pay? Would it cost you your own heart…?”

* * *

Dany instructed her guard to separate Jon and Sansa; so they couldn’t plot against her. She was sure Sansa could convince Jon to do anything for her, he had taken on the Boltons for her, an entire war, she could convince him to stab her through the heart, if she were so inclined.   
  
Still, the events of the past and present played over and over in her mind, what could she do to turn the tide to her side, what would leave her with the most to gain. She could kill the usurper’s son, but that would not earn her any friends and she would lose Jon for sure. 

Finally, when she settled on a plan, she asked her guards to bring Jon, she would deliver her final terms.   


Jon sat across from her, he leaned forward, already anxious without a word being exchanged  
“Dany, this game is getting old, just tell me what you want”

“what do _you_ want? And what are you willing to give up? Speak plainly, Jon”

“I want you to let Gendry go, my family to leave back North, where they belong, and I will stay with you.”

“so, staying with me is your penance?”

“Dany…”

“it doesn’t matter, you can’t give me what I want, why should any honor any of your demands”

“because you don’t want a war, you want to be better than your father, and Lannister’s and the Baratheon’s and everyone who ever claimed the Capital”

“Yes, I do want the Capital...

_without_ every bastard from Dorne to Winterfell closing in on MY claim, I want their LOYALTY, to KNOW they will NOT move against me!!” she yelled

“it will _never_ be perfect Dany! You have the Capital now; you took it”

“and I can’t move in because I have no love there! Only enemies!”

“you will never change that if you stay here! please understand”

She was silent for a while, she knew what she had to say next, but was afraid the words wouldn’t fall from her mouth. She took a deep breath to begin.

“Four of my seven territories threaten to leave or openly rebel…  
_You_ cannot control the North anymore, they call for Ned Starks daughter, as do the Riverlands, and the Vale, the Crownlands call for a man who is in love with Sansa… Even the Iron Islands are divided, Theon on your side, Yara on mine…  
So, what do I do? How do I neutralize all these players?”

“I don’t know. But the answer is not to _kill_ Gendry for God’s sake, Dany, you would start a war!”

“IF Gendry lives and retires to the Crownlands, and IF Sansa returns home to the North,   
that will keep the North, the Crownlands, the Vale and the Riverland’s in line”

Jon let out a sigh of relief “ _YES_ ”

“I just need someone to keep _Sansa_ in line, someone who will share her home, all of her secrets… someone who is loyal to _me_ , someone who would never move against me... _someone like you_ ”

“What are you asking?”

“she is your _cousin_ , a marriage is perfectly acceptable, just as your Stark grandparents were and thousands of others have done before you… and im not asking you to share her bed, only her secrets”

“you can’t be serious”  


“I am, and I need an answer, if you don’t agree, the boy dies tomorrow, and there will be war…

Again”

* * *

Jon explained Dany’s terms to Sansa, her face growing pale as he kept talking, he wished she would stop him or yell or do anything that would stop the feeling of his heart sinking to his stomach.

“Sansa? Are you ok? Say something”

“I want to see him”

Jon walked with her to the other side of the estate, by the beach, the was a small house at the end, five guards around the perimeter. They stepped away as she came up, and Jon stayed outside too.   
  
She stepped into the house, it was just a room with a small cot, one window and a restroom. Sitting on the bed was Gendry, his clothes wrinkled and dirty, but as his arms came around her she melted in his arms, like she could breathe again. His strength making up for hers.

“Gods, Sansa, are you okay? What are you doing here?”

“I’m fine, what about you, do you need anything?”

“I have a bed and food, I’m only missing you”

“Gendry, we should have never left—” her voiced cracked and she buried her face in his chest

“shhh, its ok baby” he cupped her face and kissed her hair, he held her in his arms rocking her until she relaxed

“I know about the deal, Sans… Daenerys told me this morning…

You _can’t_ that the deal, please promise me you won’t take it”

“but you’ll die”

“I can’t live knowing I’ll never have you…

just promise me you’ll go North tonight, you will be safe there, you and Jon can fight this war”

“Gendry, I can’t live knowing I could have done something to save you”

“don’t do this, Sansa”

Her heart broke but having him in her arms again gave her clarity, she knew what she had to do. Her voice was a strangled mess.

“Gendry, listen to me, one day, years from now…  
you’ll have a wife, and she will love you, because it’s impossible _not_ to love with you…

And you’ll have children, a little black-haired boys and girls”   
  
Sansa voiced broke, Gendry was shaking his head in a silent plea, she grabbed his face softly

“you’ll be so happy… you won’t even remember you loved me,   
I know it… I swear it… by the Old Gods and the New”

She kissed him again and for the last time.


	8. Winterfell

###  **Chapter Eight: Winterfell**

“She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails.”  
― **Elizabeth Edwards**

* * *

Daenerys sat at the end of the boardroom, the tension was palpable, everyone on edge.

“Jon. Sansa. You are free to leave for the North,   
and I trust you will be married by the end of the month… lest I go up there and marry you myself…

  
Gendry _Baratheon_ , you will be received in your new estate by Tyene, who is promised to you.   
she is a Sand but is still considered a Dornish heir, I am also told Davos is waiting for you.”

Dany stood from her seat and signed the documents that united the lands and territories, she stepped aside as the rest of them put their name on the papers, sealing all their fates.

It was time to leave, she couldn’t bear to look away from Gendry, to get one last look at him,  
his face, that she would never wake up next to again,   
his mouth, that she would never kiss again,

she wished he would smile just one last time so she could burn it into her brain.

But he didn’t, seeing him walk away threatened to rip her in half right then and there, her blood pooled at her feet and all the air went missing from her lungs.

“Sansa?”   
she heard Jon’s soft voice say her name over the ringing in her ears, she shook her head, she _was_ broken, she wished her heart would stop on its own, it would be a kindness. She saw Daenerys across the room, her face smug, and she knew she would not give her the satisfaction, she gathered what was left of her strength and walked towards her.

“you have condemned us all to a life like yours... barren.” She saw fury and pain in Daenerys eyes, and it gave her the only piece of joy since she arrived in Westeros, she stormed out of the room before anyone could say anything else

* * *

“she is taking it well” Daenerys spoke when it only she and Jon were left in the room.

Jon scoffed “Are you finally happy now?”

“I have the Capital, and I have peace, but I lost you”

“it didn’t have to be this way”

“No, it didn’t, you could have chosen to _be_ with me, to forge a true Targaryen dynasty…  
but the voices of the _dead_ stopped you-  
_You_ sentenced us to this as much as me, all for your ‘ _honor’_ “

“I did what I thought was right, can you say the same?”

“maybe not, but good luck finding redemption in her bed” she let out a dry laugh “what would he think of you now?”

* * *

The flight home was brutal, every time she saw Jon, she felt angry. Her heart was broken, and her brain failed to make sense of her current situation. How could she _be_ with anyone other than Gendry, let alone Jon, a man she thought of as her brother up until five days ago?

Sansa had barely said two words to Jon since they left DragonStone, she avoided him at all costs. He was worried about her, she looked frail and her eyes were puffy and red, but he also relieved she hadn’t come his way, he wouldn’t know what to say, much less comfort her.

It’s true his relationship with Sansa had always been estranged, when they were children she took after her mother and treated him with indifference, their reunion in Castle Black had been tempestuous, and their second reunion in DragonStone was a downright disaster, neither bode well for their future.

Finally, they arrived in Winterfell, Sansa breathed in the crisp northern air, she let it fill her lungs and soothe her skin, she had missed this, even if everything else was different. She didn’t recognize any of the staff that greeted her and Jon on their family’s estate, the was a new caretaker and housemistress, all of the pillars of her childhood were gone. 

“you can have the master room” Jon said softly

“Thank you” she said without looking his way.

They walked upstairs and down the corridor into her parent’s bedroom, it was bare now, no furniture, only ghosts. She supposed it was a good thing, to not be reminded every single day. She walked across the room, her footsteps echoing throughout.

“I meant to tell you the room was empty, but we can go into town…

or you can order any furniture you like, whatever you want”

“I can go into town, Is Theon here?”

“he is with Yara”

“oh- then I’ll go alone”

* * *

She went into town alone, she browsed through aisles and aisles of furniture, she wondered what Gendry was doing right now, if he liked Tyene, if he thought she was pretty or funny or smart. Hours passed by and she dreaded going back home, no one would miss her if she just stayed.

It was dark by the time she arrived back home, Lucy, the headmistress was the first to come up to her, asking her a million questions, if she was hungry, if she was tired, did she need help, what would she like for breakfast, was she allergic to anything, what was her favorite food, what day should she do laundry, things that seemed so trivial and small. She had forgotten what it was like to be Sansa Stark, everyone wanting something from her.

“Lucy?” she interrupted her

“yes, dear?”

“do you think we can go over this tomorrow? I can make time in the morning…   
for now, there is a truck full of furniture, can you get a couple of the guys to bring it down, please”

“oh, of course dear! Let me see who is available and we will have it set up in no time”

Lucy walked away quickly, clearly happy to be of service. Sansa waited by the door until she came back with a couple of guards.

“Just put everything in the master bedroom, please, Ill arrange it later”

Lucy meant to protest, but decided against it, the poor child needed to control some aspect of her life, she would think of a way to help her later.   
  
“you heard the girl, boys… get to work” The guards nodded and shifted by them, making quick work of unloading everything as Sansa and Lucy watched.

After the trailer was empty, Lucy sent the guards back to their posts

“Can I prepare something for you to eat, child?”

“No, thank you, I ate in town, I rather just fix up the room for now”

“do you need help?”

“I’m okay, thanks” Sansa smiled softly and walked away before Lucy could insist on anything else. She liked Lucy, despite not knowing her well, and she felt bad lying to her, but she couldn’t bear to keep going with the pleasantries.

She wants into the room, her new furniture spread out randomly everywhere, a bed frame by the closet, a lamp by the window, it almost made her laugh. She started moving things into place, at least the lighter things, she would probably ask Lucy for help tomorrow. She heard a knock on the door, she knew who it was before he said his name.

It was after 11 when she got home, Jon had been pacing in his study for hours, wondering when she would be back, he called the driver a dozen times but he still couldn’t relax until she was back home.

“It’s Jon”

“come in”

When she turned, she saw Jon standing awkwardly under the door frame holding food and bottles of water.

“I’m guessing you spoke to Lucy?”

“she is very persistent”

“I can see that” Sansa raised her eyebrow

“she is right though, you haven’t eaten all day, and you can’t move all of this furniture by yourself”

Sansa shrugged but accepted the food, it was clear Jon wasn’t going to leave to she sat on the floor and Jon followed suit. They ate in silence for the most part, except when Sansa asked about Lucy and some of the staff she met. Jon helped her move the dresser and mattress, and couple of heavier items.   
  
It was strange to have him help her, he was strong, quiet, he didn’t mind moving the furniture again if she changed her mind, or if it wasn’t exactly the way she needed it. Still he was a reminder that she couldn’t have who she really wanted in her bedroom. Gendry would laugh and complain.

“I think I can do the rest” she said before her thoughts became unbearable

“right” Jon looked around, the room finally looked livable again, almost everything Sansa had chosen was white or grey, it suited her. “we should talk about… everything”

“it’s late, Jon”

“tomorrow, then”

“I have to go over things with Lucy”

“Sansa… we can’t wait much longer, we only have ‘til the end of the month”

“I don’t care! I don’t want to talk, about anything, especially not with you!”  
the words flew suddenly and angrily out of her mouth, and Jon looked like she had slapped him across the face.

He walked out of her room. _Gods, she is difficult_ , Jon thought as he left.

* * *

The next day, she met with Lucy and Wolkan as she had planned, they went over the estate and finances, they poured over reports and ledgers for hours. Sansa was glad for her time with Lucy especially, it stopped her mind from wandering. But as soon as she was gone, Sansa felt the pain creep back in, she cried herself to sleep again.

The following days were filled with much of the same, in the day Sansa caught up with the accounts, and all the little things Lucy wanted to know, she had actually brought a list. Her evenings were spent avoiding Jon, she usually ended up barricading herself in her bedroom refusing food or any company. 

After a week, when Lucy was satisfied with the information, she looked at the girl in front of her, the poor little thing, barely a woman and already so jaded.

“oh dear girl, I know you have been though a lot, things no woman should have to endure,  
but Jon is a good man, he will treat you well,  
I grew up beyond the Wall you know, I had a hard life, no school or fancy job, and two kids before I was 18, I didn’t think I would ever amount to anything, but Jon have me a chance…  
if he has such kindness for a stranger, imagine for his wife… just give it time, you both need it”

“It not the simple, Lucy”

“things rarely are, child”

Lucy rested a hand on Sansa shoulder before walking away, providing a comfort only a mother could. Sansa thought of her own mother again, she had thought of her many times in the last couple of days, had her mother lived, maybe she would have held her in her arms or kissed her forehead softly, maybe she would have known what to say.

Catlyn Stark was strong, the strongest woman Sansa had ever known. She did everything for family, no matter how it broke her heart. _I could be strong_ she thought.

* * *

Sansa looked for Jon, she hadn’t spoken to him since the first day she arrived in Winterfell, she found him in his study, working as usual. She opened the door abruptly, a burst of adrenaline in her blood, she would say what she needed to say before she lost her nerve. 

“we _should_ prepare for the wedding, the sooner we get news to Daenerys, the faster she can move on, turn her focus to the Capital and forget about us, once she feels she has us under control.”

“okay?” 

“It will be a small affair, obviously, I’ll go over the guest list and everything else I can take care of with Lucy, you just need to talk to Arya; she will be angry”

“she knows”

“well just make sure she doesn’t kill anyone, us included”

“are you sure about this, Sansa?”

“Yes. We will be married by this time next week.”


	9. Bound

###  **_Chapter Nine: Bound_ **

"You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart."  
 **\- Frank Kafka**

* * *

The week before the wedding was hectic, the grounds had to be cleared, flowers brought in, guests called. A flurry of questions and comments from the other northern houses, some good, some disapproving, most simply curious. Jon made several calls of his own, they prepared for 100 people, a small wedding by the North’s standard.

Arya flew in from Braavos, Bran took time off from the monastery and Theon arrived soon after, it was hard to face them, but Jon told the truth about what they were about to do, he was always brave like that, never mincing words.

Sansa asked Arya to go into town with her, she still hadn’t chosen a dress. Even though Arya famously hated dresses, Sansa invited her to choose one, she didn't have anyone else, and was happy when Arya agreed. 

They browsed through dresses, the sales lady was quick to offer opinions and suggestions, admiring Sansa’s beauty and form, she was probably more excited than Arya and Sansa put together. When they finally had a moment alone, Arya confessed she wasn’t angry with Sansa.

“you’re not?”

“no, I mean, I’ll admit its fucking _weird_ … “

Sansa scoffed “yeah”

“I am sorry, though, I’m sorry you and Jon had to pay the price for the rest of us…”  
Arya looked away sadly, fidgeting through the dresses left out “Fighting all these years was ugly, but thanks to you, we can breathe again, do the things we wanted to do before all of this”

Sansa wondered how many people her sister had lost while she was in Essos. All Sansa could do was nod. She couldn’t offer comfort, she couldn’t tell her that she agreed to this out of the goodness of her own heart, even for peace, because she wouldn’t have. Had Gendry not been a prisoner, Sansa would have raised another war just to keep him.

“this one” Arya pulled a dress from the rack “this one looks like you”

Sansa looked it over, it was a beautiful dress, simple and elegant, fitted with lace details, but it didn’t matter what she wore, she didn’t love Jon, _right?_ not the way a bride should. She took the dress Arya chose; it would be enough.

* * *

Jon woke up Saturday morning, the day of his wedding was here, he barely slept the night before, or any night since DragonStone, too busy being angry or worried about Sansa. Since her return, all his thoughts revolved around her. He regretted the day he called her back from Essos, she would still be happy if he had left it alone.

Or had his misfortune started way before then? Did it start the day he sent her to Essos in the first place? She had warned him it was a mistake all those years ago, Sansa always had a knack for being right.

The day droned on, impossibly slow, Lucy running around like a mad woman, a slew of people coming in and out of the estate, flowers, food, cake, the band. All for a lie. There was no happily ever after.   
He could never make her happy, and he would never be happy if _she_ wasn’t.

* * *

Sansa put on her dress on as the sun went down, it clung to her curves giving her a womanly silhouette, she wore her hair down, red waves framing her face, her make up done and jewelry she inherited from her mother. She looked at herself in the mirror, she looked beautiful, a classic northern bride, no flowers in her hair this time, no gypsy priest or Gendry waiting for her on the end of the aisle.

Theon knocked on the door.

“you look beautiful, Sansa”

“thank you” she smiled, it had been so long since she wore the mask of Sansa Stark but it fell into place quickly

“are you ready?” Theon offered his hand, the same way he had when they jumped of the walls all those years ago, she needed all her strength to take his hand back then, and she needed it now.

“let’s go”

Jon stood waiting nervously by the heart tree, he swore time couldn’t move slower. Until he saw her, she looked beautiful, a vision in her white dress, no trace of the girl he knew, time had been good to her.  
Her hair a shade darker than he remembered  
Her face hollowed out, revealing high cheekbones and porcelain skin…  
Her hips flared from under her small waist, followed by miles of long legs

For the first time in the entire day he wished time _would_ move slower, so he could have this moment longer. Watch her forever. But those thoughts were expelled quickly from his mind when he saw the man next to her, Theon was giving her away, he once thought _he_ would be the one to give her away, not exchange vows with her.

She reached the end of the aisle, a nervous and conflicted Jon stared back at her, he seemed older than he was, his brow furrowed and looking down, she reached for him with shaky hands, waited for divine intervention, but it never came.

They said their vows, words that meant nothing and everything in the same breath, they repeated them dumbly after Bran, who officiated the ceremony, and in less than 10 minutes, they were married, binded for life. People clapped around them, and Sansa tried to smile, a single tear escaping her before she quickly brushed it away. Jon winced at the sight, like being stabbed in the heart.

The crowd chanted “kiss, kiss, kiss” and he felt Sansa squeeze his hand. She smiled at the crowd, but it didn’t reach her eyes, not letting go of his hand she stepped closer, every intent of going through with it, her eyes cast down, _were they really going to do this?_ When she looked up, Jon kissed her before either of them could change their mind, it was just a brush of the lips, soft, chase, she closed her eyes for a second and then he was gone. The crowd cheered but he couldn’t hear it over the blood rushing in his ears.

* * *

The reception was held in a tent in the courtyard, it was a beautiful night, their guests cheered again when they entered, Jon led her to the middle of the room so they could share their first dance as husband and wife.

A soft song started to play and Jon stepped closer, “Sorry” he mumbled as his arm circled her waist, she raised her arms to link around his neck, to the naked eye, they might have seemed happy. They swayed gently to the music “I was never good at dancing” Jon said in her ear.

His breath sent a shiver down her spine, she had always loved to dance when they were kids, Jon would stand in the corner she remembered.  
“hmm… you never were, really” she teased.

Jon laughed softly “well hopefully everyone is drunk before midnight”

“It’s an open bar, I’ll be surprised if they make it through the next hour”

She heard him hum in agreement, they were so close now that the sound vibrated against her chest, his scent filling the air around her, woodsy and masculine. Like usual, she never knew exactly how to feel about Jon, she was glad when the song was over.

The night went on as usual, the band played classics and new favorites, people danced and got drunk, they made impromptu toasts to the new couple. Sansa drank to each one, she needed wine, _lots of wine_ to get through it. By the end of the night, she felt light and sad and wobbly all at the same time, she hadn’t been this drunk since she and Gendry played a drinking game with Daario and his girl of the week. She stood to go to her room, but the room spun around her.

“better get her to bed, little snow” she heard Tormund drunkenly yell and then Jon was at her side, saying words she couldn’t understand.   
  
She clung to Jon as he carried her, she felt like she was floating, even as her vision blurred. He set her down on the edge of her bed, her eyes fluttering, trying to focus, she grabbed his shirt and pulled him close, her lips brushing over his softly, not a kiss but far too close, he laid her back to put distance between them and her eyes closed. As he left her room, he heard her call _his_ name.

A momentary, irrational jealousy crept into his mind at the sound of Gendry’s name on her lips, but why should it matter if his wife dreamt of another? They both knew the truth of their arrangement.

* * *

Sansa woke up feeling hungover the next morning, she didn’t remember anything after they had cut the cake, well, nothing except Jon in her room, _did I try to kiss him last night?_ she thought. An audible groan forming on her lips as got up and ready for the day.

She stepped outside her room, the guests were gone and the vendors were removing the tent and the outdoor bar, people cleaned the yard and moved everything back in place, if Jon was awake, he would be in his office, she would start there.

She knocked this time.

“come in”

“good morning”

Jon nodded and motioned for her to sit “how do you feel?”

She let out a dry laugh “Aspirin helps…  
I wanted to… I don’t remember exactly what happened but I’m sorry if I… crossed a line”

Jon sat back in his chair “Its fine, you didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t expect you to forget him in two weeks, Sansa.   
I couldn’t do it… and for the record, I don’t expect _anything_ from you, just help me run this house, keep the peace, we both know what _this_ is”

The words stung just a bit, she didn’t expect Jon to want her, _that way,_ but it was still annoying, again, her feelings for Jon were convoluted, but Sansa was glad to move forward from this awkwardly painful conversation.

  
“I was thinking I could take over the books, there are some expenses we could cut, put them to better use”

“Sure, I’ll need to sign off on any official documents but anything else is up to you”

“Great, I’ll go over it with you at the end of the week”

Jon nodded and Sansa left the room.


	10. Ghosts

###  **_Chapter Ten: Ghosts_ **

“Someone I once loved gave me a box full of darkness.   
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.”  
**― Mary Oliver**

* * *

The first days after the wedding were good, it had been years since the remaining children of Winterfell were all in the same place, they had family dinners and movie nights, they laughed and had snow fights, but by the end of the week, Jon and Sansa were alone. Arya had gone back to Braavos, Bran to his church and Theon to the Iron Islands.

All that was left was Sansa and Jon. It was hard enough living in Winterfell, she felt like she was surrounded by ghosts, her father, her mother, Robb, Rickon, all the people from her childhood, even memories of her time with Gendry haunted her rather than bringing her peace.

And then there was Jon, althought he was very much alive, his ghost plagued her the most, the ghost of the boy she grew up with, the one she used to call brother. Things were either awkward, when they agreed she was afraid to get too close, afraid to spark something between them-   
or volatile, when they disagreed all of the paid they suffered at each other hand coming to the surface. Either way, it was like walking on eggshells.   
  
Still, as the weeks turned into months, she had to put the boy she knew to death so her brain could deal with the man in front of her. Some days she hated him for letting this all happen, some days she was sad for him and sought his company because no one else could understand her, some days he just irritated her to no end.

This was one of those days, they argued about one of the lords, Glover, he had remained neutral for years, until it was obvious Jon would win against the Bolton’s, only then did he pledge himself. Sansa thought is best to decrease his stock and power on the board, while Jon insisted it remain the same, grow in step with the others.

“he would sooner stab you in the back, then come to your aid!”

“he is with us now.”

“there is no war _now_!!”

“and why would you want to start a new one!?”

“I _want_ a loyalist on the board, or would you rather go through another coup?”

“I’m not changing his share, and that’s final”

Sansa was fuming “Oh, _NOW_ you decide to put your foot down?! Where was that energy three months ago?”

“you agreed to that deal as much as I did, don’t cry about it now…”

“you should have _known_ before you called me back to Westeros!” Sansa yelled

Jon's fist hit the table hard “and you’re just fucking angry that she got the best of you! You’re mad she won.”

“Well, at least I didn’t fuck her!”

The words burned in Jon’s ear, all he wanted to do was hurl the pain back to her “don’t worry about who I _fuck_ , it’s none of your concern”

_Her concern? What the hell did he mean by that? Was he fucking someone? Did he fuck her here, right under her nose?_ She threw the glass on her desk across the room, the liquid soaking his face and shirt. The shock on his face was compensation enough, her hands immediately started searching the desk for something else she could throw at him.

Jon crossed the room in two steps and pinned her wrists against him faster than she could grab another object. “don’t you fucking dare”

“let me go.”

His eyes bore into her skull and she let out a shaky breath, mixed with fear and anger, his eyes flickered to her lips and back to her eyes.

“are you deaf? LET. ME. GO” Sansa twisted her wrist to make her point

He tightened his grip once more before releasing her and walking out of the room.

* * *

It had been months since their fight, after they resorted to ignoring each other completely, Lucy had tried to get them to reconciliate in many not-so-subtle ways, but even she gave up after weeks of trying. They had Lucy and Wolkan mediating between them, seeing as they could barely stand to be in the same room. Sansa dreaded the days when they had company, she would sit by Jon’s side and smile, she was better at pretending than he was. He seemed to burn every time she touched him.

Soon it was her twenty third birthday, she couldn’t believe only one year had gone by, her last birthday seemed like a lifetime ago. She stayed in bed until the sun demanded she get up and face the day. Lucy must have been standing by her door because as soon as Lucy heard movement from her room she was in Sansa’s room, opening up the curtains and bustling about.

“there you are birthday girl! Get dressed, come on!” She called  
  
“shouldn’t I be able to stay in my room as long as I want, today of all days?”

“oh, nonsense” Lucy stood next to her bed “you don’t want to stay in here!”

Sansa laughed softly, she knew Lucy had something up her sleeve, giddy as she was. Sansa changed and followed Lucy downstairs, where the staff was waiting for her, they sung happy birthday as she reached the bottom step. Sansa smiled broadly, truly touched at the gesture. Lucy, who had somehow managed to conjure a cake and light the candles without Sansa noticing, appeared from the small crowd.

“make a wish, sweetheart!” Lucy said

Sansa laughed and stepped closer, she looked at the fire of the candles wondering what she could ask the Gods for, silly as it was.

Sansa looked up, she saw Jon behind her, smiling softly, and she suddenly knew what to wish for, she blew out her candles.  
  
Lucy cut the lemon cake, her favorite, some of the maids and guards she was closer too gave her presents, they didn’t have to but she was glad to have their love. They told stories and laughed, until one by one they went back to their day. Only Jon stayed.

“Happy Birthday, Sansa” His voice gentle.

“twenty-three, another year down” she shrugged 

“Arya sent you this” it was a mace keychain, unceremoniously wrapped  
her face contorted into an incredulous expression that made them both laugh

“very helpful, Arya” Sansa announced through laughter

“hey, as long as you don’t use it on me” Jon said, and they laughed again, the air feeling light between them as opposed to their usual hostility.

“oh, and this is from me” he offered her a small box  
she took it from his hands, their fingers momentarily touching, it was a necklace with a direwolf pendant, it was absolutely perfect.

“it’s beautiful, Jon, thank you”   
  
“your welcome, Lucy helped me choose”

“that woman is… something else”  
  
“Yes, she is. Two years ago, she wanted to rent a bouncy house… for my 26th birthday!”

Sansa laughed “did you let her?”

“it was fun actually” he smiled softly

“Gods, Jon! of course you did” she smiled back at him 

“but anyway, since it is your birthday, I thought we could go to town, we don’t have to talk about business or anything,   
and I promise I’ll be on my best behavior, would you like that?”

“sure”

* * *

Sansa dresses for dinner, a short black dress, heels, her hair pulled up neatly with a couple of strands framing her face, she wears the necklace Jon gave her. She looks at herself in the mirror, Gendry would have loved this dress, they probably wouldn’t have even made it out of the house, she missed the feeling of being loved, of being wanted. At night, she could sometimes feel the ghost of his touch.

Jon waited for her by the car, he was stunned when he saw her, that dress fit her like a glove, it sat high on her thighs and close to her body, Tully-blue eyes under long lashes, and hair like a flaming crown. His idea of Sansa was so different now, it was getting harder to see her as the girl he grew up with, some days he only saw a beautiful, sad, and exasperating woman, one that bothered him in more ways he cared to admit.

“you look great”

“thank you, so do you”   
and he did, in a dark slacks and shirt folded over his arms, his hair pulled back from his face, he was a handsome man, grey eyes and dark features, you would have to be blind not see it.

He opened the car door for her, extending a hand to help her in. They drove into town in silence but they arrived at the restaurant in less than half an hour, it was a new place in Winterstown, part of the revamp they were doing after all the political unrest. The restaurant was dark and almost gloomy, the dim lighting gave the whole place a mysterious, sexy feel.   
  
Jon had made a reservation, not that they needed it, any spot would clear their best table for the Starks,

“this way” the hostess called, a pretty blonde girl around Sansa’s age, she watched Jon to see if he would react, he didn’t. He only motioned for Sansa to go first; he placed his hand in the small of her back as the hostess led them through the restaurant. His touch burned, but she found herself longing for it.   
  
Their table was towards the back, by floor to ceiling windows where they could see the city bustle beneath them. Jon kept his promise the entire night, he didn’t speak of business or estate matters and Sansa didn’t throw drinks at him.

“can I ask you something?” Jon asked after a couple of glasses of wine

“sure” she took another sip and set her glass down

“what was it like? In Essos?”

“warm”

“you know what I mean”

“you will have to be more specific”

“What was it like… with you and Gendry?”

Sansa drank the rest of her glass   
“it was… amazing, we were alone but we were free  
Have you ever been free, Jon?”

“Once, I think”

“with Daenerys?”

“No, before… I was undercover with the FreeFolk, there was a girl, Ygritte, we were young, but I loved her, and she loved me”

“what happened?”

“I had a duty to Castle Black, and she to her people”

“do you still think about her?”

“No, not really, I mean, it’s strange... it’s like with Father and Robb and Rickon, they’re dead, and I miss them, but the grief doesn’t consume me anymore, not like before, but I still have the memories, the good ones”

“I wish I could fast forward to that point”

“you will, it just takes time”

“so… what about Daenerys?”

“why so interested in Dany?” Jon sat back in his chair, amused by her curiousity 

“why were you so interested in Gendry?”

“well you married him…willingly. That _is_ interesting” Jon leaned in, like it was a secret between friends.

Sansa sighed and thought of Gendry, of all the things she could say about him…  
“Gendry was… _good._ Good to me, good for me, made me laugh,   
he… taught me to love, to be kind, and when he asked me to marry him I knew it was right, I knew it was true.”

“sounds like you did get your fairytale after all”

_But It didn’t have a happy ending, she thought dryly_ “your turn, tell me about _"Dany"_?”

“I thought she was smart, enigmatic, she had a plan for her life, a plan to do good for her people, for anyone no matter their name. Being around her was... fun, gave me purpose, and I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I loved her.”

“why didn’t you stay with her? I mean, you didn’t _know_ about your parents, and even when you found out…  
Targaryen’s _do_ that sort of thing, is it really any different than me and you?”

“I’m not a Targaryen. At least I don’t want to be, and I wouldn’t have agreed to you and me  
had _his_ life not been on the wire… its different.  
Plus I told you before, after the truth came out, she was different, she stopped caring about all of the things she stood for, she wasn’t the same woman I knew anymore, maybe she never was.”

Sansa nodded, sometimes she forgot she wasn’t the only one struggling with this  
“but do you still think about her?”

“Dany and I were over before you returned to Westeros”

“that is not an answer”

“Somethings still remind me of her, good and bad, but most days I can manage… my thoughts are elsewhere now,   
but like I said, it takes time”


	11. Dreams

###  **Chapter Eleven: Dreams**

" I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,   
in secret, between the shadow and the soul "   
**-PABLO NERUDA**

* * *

Things were different between them after her birthday, they could talk without yelling, although they still got into it over ledgers. Sometimes she even told Jon more about Essos, about the beach and the market, how the sun _always_ shined, about the good times she had. Jon would tell her stories about their time too, about Arya and Tormund and how they insisted on drinking one more shot than the other.

They started eating breakfast together every day, before they tended to their duties, and soon it became the best part of Sansa’s day. The more she got to know Jon, really know him, the more she saw the boy she used to know - kind and brave - and the less it ripped her apart.   
  
After a couple of weeks of this routine she could tell Jon’s mood by the way he said good morning. She knew when he was upset with his officers, or if something was going wrong with a trainee. The worse was when he had meetings with the other houses, he wouldn’t sleep the night before, going over the agenda in his mind time and time again.

“Morning” Jon grumbled, a tell-tale sign

“who is it this time?” Sansa asked as she poured him a glass of orange juice

“Tormund”

“why? you love Tormund.”

“the FreeFolk keep pushing against the Umbers Territory, Tormund doesn’t see anything wrong since he hasn’t crossed any lines, but Umber is beside himself, and all they both do is yell at _me_ to fix it”

“Jon” She put a hand on his shoulder, being near her soothed him instinctively   
“breathe... Tormund will listen to you, he always does, and Umber… will fall in line”

“I don’t know, they both sound… on edge”

“you will figure it out, I believe in you…  
Plus, Lucy made like 2 sheets of bacon that are getting cold”

Jon felt better knowing she trusts him, even if it hadnt been easy, it was important to him that she trusted him now.

  
  
“Do you know what next Tuesday is?” Jon asked after breakfast 

“Our anniversary?” Sansa said, hoping that was what he meant and that she hadnt just embarrased herself

“yeah" Jon was just a little surprised "I can’t believe it’s been one year”

“I know”

“we should do something, go out or something, maybe visit Arya in Braavos”

Although Sansa’s heart didn’t break every time she thought of Essos, she wasn’t keen on going back so soon. “what about Dorne? I’ve always wanted to go…”

“yeah of course, I’ll let Wolkan know, he can arrange everything”

* * *

The night before their anniversary, Sansa couldn’t sleep, she tossed and turned in her bed, none of her thoughts made sense yet they were as loud as ever, she felt excited about a trip with Jon, even though she had no reason to be, it’s not like they wouldn’t think of each as siblings just because they were in Dorne. Yet a part of her wished they could rid themselves of that shackle, she had known love once, and it was hard to accept she would never feel it again. As the clock neared 1AM, she fell asleep, her mind dropping her straight into a vivid dream.

****

She was in a dark room, only a flickering lamp casted light on her surroundings. Pitch black and then a warm glow, like a pendulum of light.   
  
In the light, she saw Gendry, he hugged her close.   
In the darkness, she felt him drop her back onto the bed and crawl in between her legs, she kissed him deeply then.   
  
But when the light returned it was Jon over her, breathing hard as they looked at each other, she stared in disbelief and the room went dark again…  
In the darkness, her hands wrapped around the nape of his neck, pulling at his hair slightly, urging him on.

The light flashed, it was Gendry again, her fingers now feeling the roughness of his short hair, she smiled knowing it was him again  
In the darkness, he flipped her over so she straddled him, her hips rolling over his.

In the light, it was Jon under her, his curly black hair splayed across the pillow, cool grey eyes on her.  
In the dark, his hands moved up her body, to the flat of stomach and up to her breasts, she rolled her head back.

In the light, it was Gendry again, she leaned down to bury her face in the crook of his neck, he whispered words in her ear that she couldn’t understand, something like “it’s okay”.  
In the darkness she felt hands tangle in her hair, pulling it just enough for it not to be painful, she could feel the coil in her belly tighten, as she grinding her hips over his, chasing her release.

The light glowed again, it was Jon, his hand in her hair, his body underneath her, he lifted himself from the bed so he could kiss her neck, place butterfly kisses across her chest, his voice almost a growl, but he said her name, over and over, and the darkness did not come back, just a warm glow that bathed their skin.  
He kissed her skin, a strong arm wrapped behind her, her hair brushing his thigh as he pushed up into her, Gods, she could stay here forever, her body tensed and a strangled moan escaped her as her orgasm hit, everything around her fading to white, everything except Jon.

****

The sensation woke her from her dream, slightly out of breath, her sheets knotted in her hands, legs clamped together and a warm sensation between her legs. 

When she settled, she tried to pull the images out of her mind, and scolded her body for betraying her, and she swore she would never think of him that way again, she said it over and over to herself like a prayer. She was interrupted by knock at her door, it was late, later than Lucy ever came to check on her, there was only one person who it could be.

She fixed her nightgown and threw a robe on over before opening the door, as she expected, Jon stood there, nervous and furrow-browed.

“is everything ok, Jon?” Sansa asked, her voice sounding strange even to herself, she let him in and hoped he had not been at her door for long

Jon’s words died on his lips when her saw her, her skin was flushed and lips red, hair out of place, he had a strong inclination to touch her skin, see if it was as warm as it looked from here but he shook the thoughts from his mind.

“sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you”

“it’s okay, I wasn’t… busy”

“right well, I just want to apologize in person, I won’t be here tomorrow like I hoped,   
things are getting worse at the border, I have to go up there for a couple of days, I wish it was different”

Sansa couldn’t help feeling disappointed, but it wasn’t they had anything real to celebrate, _did they?_ Although she supposed the fact that they hadn’t killed each other was an achievement.

“its fine" she said quickly "we will have more anniversaries than this one, wont we?”

Jon looked around the room, his hands still itching for her skin, he stepped closer and touched her cheek and neck softly, he placed a kiss on her forehead and whispered “we will” against her skin.

Sansa closed her eyes and they stayed like this for a long moment, until Jon stepped away.   
“get some sleep, I’ll see you when I get back” he finally said

Jon walked out the door and Sansa was left feeling cold without him.

* * *

Jon left in the early morning, before the estate woke up, only Wolkan and the driver saw him off, he hated leaving on this day, _I should be with her_. He never thought he would feel so close to her, but he did, he wanted to spend every day with her, he wanted all of the time she was willing to give him, selfishly, he wanted all of her.   
  
It was a long drive to Tormund’s camp, he fell asleep for more than half of the way, he dreamt of Sansa, blue eyes staring up at him, soft lips on his neck… he didn’t want to wake up.

“Little Snow!” Tormund yelled as soon as he stepped off the car. “You look sad, sadder than usual”

“it’s good to see you too” Jon said as Tormund almost tackled him to the ground

“come in, come in”

They walked into his cabin and sat by the hearth. Tormund poured them a tall glass of ale

“what makes you sad, Snow?” Tormund insisted.

“lets focus on Umber, why are you pressing his land?”

“aaarghh” Tormund waved his hand dismissively “I’m still on my side, Umber just likes to cry about everything.”

“ _Tormund”_

“Enough about business, tell me”

“I didn’t come up here to talk, I came up here to fix this between you and Umber,   
I could have stayed home and called you if all we had to do was _talk_ ”

“oooh ho ho, so that is what makes you sad then? You miss your pretty wife? Did she finally let you into her bed?”

“No.” Jon felt blood rush to his face “it’s not like that”

Tormund laughed loudly this time “so then you are sad because she _hasn’t_ let you in” Tormund hand came down hard of Jon’s shoulder “I remember a time when you swore you could never love her, now, look at you!”

“I don’t love her, I mean, I do, of course I do, but not the way a husband loves his wife”

“oh, _but you do_ , Snow, you do. She is kissed by fire!”

Jon smiled then, at Tormund’s enthusiasm and not willing to continue the conversation, he didn’t have any argument to disproof Tormund’s words anyway.  


“Lets just focus on the Umbers”

* * *

Sansa woke the next morning, knowing Jon wouldn’t be there, she hoped his absence would give her some kind of clarity. At least she needed space to get her thoughts in order, especially after _that_ dream. She went downstairs for breakfast, there was at least 30 bouquets of roses waiting for, the surprised floored her, a big smile immediately forming on her face.

“Lucy! What is all this?”

“There is a note by the table, child”

Sansa weaved through the ocean of flowers to read the note:

  
_Sorry, I missed breakfast, I will be home soon._

_-Love, Jon_

Her heart fluttered as she read it, _so much for clarity._

* * *

Sansa waited impatiently by the door; Jon would be home any minute now. She wasn’t sure what she had to say to him, but she knew she wanted to be the first person he saw. She had missed him, despite telling herself she wouldn’t.

Finally, she heard the car arrive outside. She walked out towards him, snow falling lightly in the air, once she reached him, she practically melted in his arms. His fingers played with in her hair, lightly twirling it, Jon had been gone for five days, and not a moment passed when she wasn’t on his mind. 

“I missed you” he confessed “did you like the flowers?”

“they were beautiful" she let him go so she could see his face "I missed you too, it was quiet around here without you.”

They went inside to get out of the cold, though she could barely feel it with all the blood rushing to her skin. 

Once inside, Lucy was waiting for them “Mr. Jon, it’s so good to have you back, Sansa is so quiet without you”   
Sansa felt herself blush, but Jon only smiled

She wasn’t sure if it were the days away from Jon or her reoccuring dreams of him were to blame, but something monumental had shifted between them, something she couldn’t take back, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted too.

“Since you two weren’t able to celebrate your anniversary, I whipped up a cake, nothing fancy, but I thought you could celebrate here”

In the kitchen, there was a small cake, decorated in simple white frosting and sprinkles. Perfect.

“do you like it?” Lucy asked sweetly

“Yes, its lovely. Thank you” Sansa replied

“Oh, I am glad!! Now, get closer for a picture, believe me, you will want a picture of this moment when you are my age…. And not a picture on your phone either, _a real one._ For a real memory”

Jon looked around nervously, half expecting Sansa to look mortified, but she was laughing, her head thrown back a little, he couldn’t help but smile.

Sansa grabbed the cake and tilted it just a bit for the picture, Jon’s arm wrapped around her waist, and another over her elbow, standing slightly behind her, he could smell her perfume from here, see the freckles on her neck… Lucy took the picture before he was ready.

“oh, its perfect!” Lucy exclaimed, She showed them the polaroid

  
  
Jon was behind her, staring at _her_ , not the cake or the camera, he had a look on his face she couldn’t place, until she realized It was the same look her father would give her mother, the one she craved for so many years.

Jon was slightly embarrassed at the picture, he looked like a love sick puppy, practically begging for her attention, but Sansa was smiling at him, a toothy grin, and he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything else. 

“Excuse me” Wolkan interrupted “You received some important mail” and had them a rather large envelope, it was addressed to both of them.

Sansa reached in and pulled out the invitation, she read it quickly.

“oh my Gods!” she squealed

“what is it?” Jon looked concerned but it quickly faded noting Sansa’s mood

“It’s Theon” she flipped the invitation over so Jon could see “He and Jeyne are getting married!”   
Sansa jumped into his arms and hugged him close “I have to call him!” she ran up the stairs without another word, leaving Jon smiling like an idiot below.


	12. Anew

###  **_Chapter Twelve: Anew_ **

"Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer  
and these the last verses that I write for her."  
**-Pablo Neruda**

* * *

Sansa got all the details from Theon, how he proposed, and her reaction, if she cried, if he asked her dad for her hand, everything and anything she could get out of him. Her heart could explode from happiness, Theon deserved it. She hung up with him right before Jon walked in.

“how is he?”

“nervous but excited of course, I think he has been in love with Jeyne for longer than he cares to admit”

“yeah, I think so too” Jon didn’t know if he was talking about Theon or himself   
“the invitation says his wedding is in the spring, barely two months from now”

“on the Iron Islands?”

“yea, that's what it says”

Sansa scrounged her face, the Iron Islands were bleak, although she heard Yara and Theon had worked hard at reviving them, but where there was love, there was beauty she figured. “I can’t wait to see them”

Jon didn’t say anything, but something was clearly on his mind

“what is it?”

“ _They_ … will probably be there, both of them, at the wedding…

Will it bother you? Seeing him again?”

She thought about her answer, about her dreams and Jon, she had thought about seeing Gendry again, what it would be like, but recently she couldn’t see the answer anymore.   
“I don’t know.”

* * *

Jon hadn’t pushed the subject again since that day, but he thought about it every day. He dreamt of her, having her in his arms, in his bed, in some dreams she chose him over Gendry and they shared a full life, with children and grandchildren, in other dreams she chose him for a night, but it was glorious and enough for him.

Other nights she chose Gendry without so much as an explanation, he would watch her walk away but at least she was happy. But the worst were the ones when she didn’t choose him, eventhough she wanted too, and then she walked away anyway.

He usually woke up hard from the images his mind invoked night after night or so heartbroken he could barely breathe. He couldn’t let himself hope at a real future with Sansa, not when she still might be in love with another. Most days he was sure she felt the same way he did, but other days, she was distant and tempestuous, and it rocked his confidence in what they had.

* * *

Sansa, admittedly, went overboard with Theon’s wedding, she hadn’t been excited about anything that was unrelated to her in a long time. She dragged Jon into town numerous occasions, so they could choose the perfect gift for the new couple, it was tedious he had to admit, but it was worth it to see her face light up at the smallest things. She asked him to help her choose a dress, _that part wasn’t bad,_ he waited as Sansa tried dress after dress, each one looking better than the last. He loved when she needed help with the zipper or buttons, because he could touch her skin if only for a few seconds. She also insisted he buy a new suit, going on about color and cuts with the tailor.

“thank you for coming with me today, and yesterday, and the day before” she said as they walked to the car.

“of course,”

“I know I can get carried away sometimes”

“just a little”

Sansa laughed, “it’ll be worth it at the end, you’ll see” she smiled brightly and it was.

* * *

Days later they were on a flight to the Iron Islands, they arrived the night before the wedding, too late to see anyone, but they could catch up with the bride and groom later.

The wedding was held in a resort in Pyke, it was a true feat of architecture, buildings seemed to be suspended over the angry sea, threatening to fall in, everything was washed in grey, yet no less beautiful. She shared a room with Jon, for the first time in their lives, but he quickly claimed the sofa rather than making her uncomfortable. She slept alone in the strange island, half wishing she didn’t have to. 

The next day, Sansa saw Theon at breakfast, she hugged him so tightly so thought her lungs might explode.

  
  
“I’m glad you are here!” Theon said, a big smile on his face   
He looked like the Theon she remembered now, self-assured and a wicked smile, she couldn’t even see the sadness in his eyes anymore, they lit up as he spoke about Jeyne

“I am _so_ happy for you, Theon! I mean it, you deserve it... and Jeyne, she is amazing!”

“thank you, she is… I don’t know what I was doing before her” he shrugged “what about you? How is everything? You look great!”

“I’m… good. It was hard at first but its better now”

“that’s good, you know Jon, its always hard with him at first, but Jon always does what it right, even if he has a nearly constant scowl”

“shut up! It’s not that bad”

“not that bad?! Are we talking about the same Jon here?”

They both laughed for a moment, happy to be around a true friend again.

“but all jokes aside” Theon continued “Jon is a good man; I don’t know if you can ever see him as a husband but… I know he would never hurt you.”

Sansa nodded, knowing the truth in her own heart “I know, things are just _complicated_ ”

Theon nodded, “Gendry is here, are you ready for that? And so is Daenerys. Yara made me invite her”

“I don’t know, I guess I won’t know until I see him, I think…  
and as for Daenerys, let’s just say I’m staying clear out of her way”

* * *

Sansa emerged from the room, she had chosen the silk emerald dress, his favorite one of the day, her hair was down and sleek straight, pinned back on one side with a broach, she saw Jon’s eyes go wide when he saw her.

“you look beautiful”

Sansa smiled, and stepped closer, fixing his tie, and pinning his boutonnière in place “there”

They took the elevator all the way down to the beach where they watched Theon and Jeyne exchange vows in a beautiful ceremony. Then the guests were escorted back to the reception hall while they waited for the bride and groom. The venue had a balcony that jutted out over the cliff.

Arya and Bran showed up after the ceremony, they sat as a family in a table next to the Greyjoy’s and Poole’s. Sansa was talking with Arya when she saw Gendry come in, their eyes locked across the room, and time seemed to stop for a second, a small smile forming on his lips, but it faded and the world kept spinning, Tyene walked in behind him, clearly pregnant. 

Her heart skipped a beat, from joy or sorrow she wasnt sure.   
Gendry escorted Tyene to their seat and didn’t look Sansa’s way again. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Jon’s jaw twitch.

After dinner, Daenerys made her grand appearance, wearing an elaborate red dress and walking straight through the tables and dancefloor to the couple, exchanging congratulations before she took her seat _very_ close to Yara. _That is new._ She looked over to Jon and raised an eyebrow, a half smile and snort formed on his face, followed by a shrug

The night went on and the music played, she was having a good time laughing with Jon, Arya and Jaquen, Arya’s ‘ _friend’_ from Braavos, even the ever-quiet Bran laughed and joined in. After a couple of glasses of Wine, Sansa stood to go to the restroom, Jon watched her leave the table, her figure moving gracefully, he didn’t miss the way others stared at her, and he didn’t miss when Gendry followed her out. Still, he remained glued to his seat, he couldn’t force Sansa to forget Gendry, much less to love him instead.

Sansa fixed her hair and makeup in the bathroom before stepping out, Gendry was waiting, hands in his pockets and nervous, her mouth going dry all at once.

“Hi” he said

“Hey”

“you look good”

“thank you. So do you… and Tyene looks beautiful”

Gendry’s demeanor changed, proud and sad “Yeah. She does.”

There was a long silence, both of them taking in the words they were truely saying, Sansa broke the silence  
“how far along is she?”

“she is due in 6 weeks” Gendry tried to hide his excitement, in case it hurt Sansa to see it, but it was evident on his face

_They didn’t waste time_ , she thought a bit bitterly, but this _was_ what she wanted for him, she wanted him to have a life without her, she wanted him to be happy, and she realized that _she_ was happy too, happy with her life, _happy with Jon_. Seeing Gendry again didnt sear her soul like she thought it might.  
“I _am_ happy for you” 

“It was hard, Sansa” Gendry said as if reading her mind, he stepped closer to her  
“I saw you everywhere, in everything, even in _her_ , but she wasn’t you, and it made me _angry_ and jealous and hateful, and I thought i couldnt breathe,   
but that’s the thing, isn’t it…?"

He was so close she could see the wrinkles in the corner of his eyes, he smelled the same, his voice had the same drawl she remembered, his voice just above a whisper...

_"She wasn’t you, never was going to be…"_

He stepped away from her and took a breath, looking over her head until his eyes settled on hers

"So, I _had_ to let you go, as painful as it was, so I could breathe, find a way to love _her_ , and _now,_ I do”

She nodded, tears welling up in her eyes, for the pain they both went through, for their love that died, for the love they buried.   
“I loved you” her voice trembled “letting you go was the hardest thing I have done, I want you to know it wasn’t easy”

Gendry placed his hand on her arm lightly “You were right... about everything”  
he looked at her again, a sad smile forming on his face and he walked away, taking all her guilt and greif with him. 

* * *

Jon waited for Sansa back at the table, where the minutes dragged on for an eternity, his mind scoured through every conversation they could be having out there, but he was interrupted as Dany took the seat next to his.

Arya, Bran and Jaquen turning to have their own conversation

“hello Jon”

“Daenerys.”

“Daenerys? No more Dany?”

“You hated that name anyway”

“not from you, not when you said it in my bed”

Jon shifted in his seat uncomfortably and Dany reveled in her mind, finding the way to get under his skin

“oh Jon, does the truth offend you?” she waited for his answer, but was met with silence, she pressed on   
“Tell me, then. Does she make you happy? Does she let you into her bed? Does she cry your name as you--”

“what do you want, exactly?” 

“I just want to know if you are happy... if it was worth it, choosing her over me?” Dany shrugged but anger and madness flared behind her eyes

“Yes, it was” Jon said dryly, hoping it was enough to drive her away

Daenerys huffed “Then _why_ is she with _him_ and not here, with you”

“I trust her”

“Really?" Dany leaned in close "are you sure she isn’t on her knees for _him_ , right this second?”

Jon made a fist so tight his nails cut into his skin, he moved away from her and stared at her, she was beautiful sure,   
but in her eyes, all he saw was an emptiness, an abyss of lonliness, and he _knew_ he had made the right choice.   
“and I hope your precious Capital was worth it… you loved the crown far more than you ever loved me…  
and that is why I could never choose you, you are alone, you will _always_ be alone”

* * *

Jon stormed out of the hall to look for Sansa, she hadn’t returned, and Gendry wasn’t in his seat either, jealousy fanned by his encounter with Daenerys words fueled him. He looked for her in the lobby, by the restrooms, but she wasnt there, he went outside and he caught a glimpse of Sansa's dress as she turned to a more secluded section of the balcony. He followed her, half expecting to see her in the arms of another.  
He wasnt sure if he could survive it but he had to know. 

“Jon?” Sansa looked over his face, he looked wild, “are you ok?”

He didn’t say anything, just stared, she was alone, a glass of champagne in her fingers, the moon bathed her in an incandescent light. He stepped closer, slowly, dangerously, like a wolf who found his prey, cupping her face in his hards, his lips crashed into hers, bruising and possessive, stealing all the air from her lungs, she dropped the glass from her hands, it fell into the angry sea beneath them, so she could run her fingers through his hair. His hands moved down her back and grabbed her ass, forcing his leg between hers, she panted against his mouth, and pressed herself completely against him chasing the frenzy building low in her belly.

He growled against her as he felt the swell of her breasts on his chest, and the heat of her core on his leg, he would probably come in his pants if she kept moving like she was. His tongue begged for entrance and she gave way quickly, needing him like he needed her, her teeth pulling his lip between hers dangerously. 

They heard someone clear their throat behind them “shit!” he heard Sansa say and she detached herself from him. Jon shielding her as she fixed her hair and dress as well hiding the bulge in his pants from sight. He only turned his head to look at whoever had the gall to interrupt the greatest moment of his life.

It was an older waiter, he looked unimpressed and unphased, it made Jon wonder what kinds of thing he had seen while working the wedding circuits…

“The bride and groom would like to say a few words, all guests are encouraged to find their seats”

“thank you, we will be right in”

With a curt bow, the waiter left, and Sansa exploded into a fit of laughter, hanging on to Jon’s shoulder as she tried to regain her breath.

“well that was mortifying, we should probably get inside” she stepped around him and pulled his arm to leave but he stopped her

“I need a minute” Jon said, eyeing his pants

“oh!” Sansa giggled again “do you want me to wait with you?”

“No” he said quickly “that won’t help, I’ll meet you inside” 

She nodded and kissed him again, lightly on the lips, like the leaves that fall from trees

* * *

Jon made his way back to his seat halfway through Theon and Jeyne’s speech, Sansa listening intently as they thanked their families and guest and spoke of their love. At the end, everyone raised a toast to the happy couple and cheered.

The music started back up and Sansa sat closer to Jon, her shoulder brushing against his chest as they resumed talking to the table, he was staring at her, and he was sure the rest of the table noticed but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Jon couldn’t choose what his favorite part of the wedding was, the moment he had her flush against him or when they shared a slow dance, and everyone could see she was his.

She was beautiful and they were together. Let them see, let them all see. 


	13. Luna

###  **_Chapter Thirteen: Luna_ **

And the nights were as dark as my baby  
Half as beautiful too   
**-Hozier**

* * *

It had been four days since they were back home and Sansa hadn’t said anything about what happened at the wedding, though she loved to tease him, a hand on his chest, a look across the room, in those moments he was sure she felt the same. But there were other times when she was sullen, lost in her own thoughts, everything she did was making him crazy, he was sure she felt the same and by lunchtime he was ready to drown himself in the depths of his own stupidity for thinking they had a chance.

In reality, Sansa was torn, half of her wanted to jump into Jon’s lap and scream his name as his hands covered her body and the other wanted extend this moment, live in this limbo a little longer, knowing they could never go back.

By the tenth day, he had convinced himself the wedding was a fluke or a dream, he _had_ to say something. He found her in the common room, watching something on TV.

“is it him?” he asked,

“What?” she paused the movie and turned her attention to him, he was standing in the doorway, wearing a black tee and grey sweatpants, she tried to concentrate on his face.

“is it him? Is he the reason you won’t come near me?”

Sansa thought about telling him she was over Gendry, he would always have a place in her heart, but he was part of her past, and her future looked so _good_ right now. What consumed her were thought of him, she hardly saw him as a brother anymore, and it bothered her that it didn’t bother her at all. But what did that mean? Was she broken beyond repair? Had her soul darkened so much?

“tell me, please” Jon begged

“It’s not him, not anymore”

“then what?”

“what do you see, when you look at me?”

“I see you. A woman, you’re kind and smart, strong, beautiful, _stubborn_ ”

“what about sister?”

Jon sighed, suddenly uncomfortable “we can’t erase the past”

“Sometimes I don’t know what to think…” she looked away from him

“I want you” she confessed “but what does that mean? Are we monsters like the rest?”

Jon considered her words for a minute, he had struggled with this longer than he should have, when his thoughts of her weren’t exactly brotherly anymore. He had thought about it over and over, spent many sleepless nights, but there was no answer that could convince him one way or the other. They grew up in the same house, Ned as much her father as his, He knew her as a girl and loved her then, he knew her as a woman now and loved her all the same. Different loves, sure, but that was the truth.

“I don’t know”

* * *

Jon’s words turned in her head for days, trying to make sense of them. She searched for the answer in her thoughts and lost hours of sleep every night until her eyes shut on their own.

But the dead were _dead_ , as painful as that was, and they were alive, should they spend a lifetime atoning for things they couldn’t control. In a different world, they would have ended up here anyway, she would have been promised to Jon and not Joffrey like fate had assigned her in this cruel version.

Maybe she should give in and let it all burn, herself included, ask for forgiveness later. Who could judge her then if they hadn’t walked in her shoes? 

Once, she had vowed to be happy, no matter what it cost her…

She paced in her room until it felt hot and cramped and she needed to get out, to breathe, she ran out of her room and into the Godswood, the snow was cold under her feet but it soothed her, cleared her mind. She stood at the edge of the natural spring, steam rising into the air and walked in, she let the water wash away the Sansa Stark of Old, bound to a land that had never been kind, and piety to Gods that had never showed her any mercy, she would be reborn a new Sansa Stark, and she would make her own peace with it.

* * *

Jon was not asleep, as was his custom recently, he heard her footsteps and followed her out to the woods, he watched her move through the snow, the cold not phasing her at all, she had stopped at the edge of the water for a moment, before walking in, each step more certain than the last, until she disappeared completely into the dark water.

He worried for a second when she didn’t come up, but then she emerged from the water, her hair stuck to her face, and her nightgown clung to her body, the snow and moon made her skin glow, like a Goddess in the flesh. He had half a mind to drop to his knees and worship her.

“The water feels fine, Jon” she said as a way of invitation

He removed his shirt and pants, and followed her into the water, transfixed by the creature calling his name, like a mermaid calling a sailor to the sea, or to his death, he didn’t know and didn’t care.

He met her in the middle, her hand creeped up from his arms to his chest until they settled around his neck, he could feel her breath on his lips, she leaned in closer and closer, her nose nudging his cheek quickly before she kissed him, soft and slow like the water around them. Something decidedly different about her.

“what about… what you said before?” Jon asked before they did anything they couldn’t take back.

“the dead are dead, Jon.” she whispered in his ear, “they don’t care about Ned Starks children, they don’t care about anything anymore”

She kissed him again, this time with far more purpose, her fingers scrapping his scalp softly, her lips parting to give his tongue access. His arm wrapped low around her waist pushing her hips towards him, already growing hard from just holding her.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, pushing herself up so she was just slightly above him, the change gave him access to her throat, his lips attached themselves to the soft skin there, kissing and sucking lightly, her head rolled back at the feel of him.

“touch me” she whispered

He obliged, running his hand from her throat down her chest to the valley between her breasts, he cupped one in his hand, her nipple visible through the sheer, wet fabric of her night gown, he ran his thumb over the nipple and she moaned above him. His mouth searched for hers again, kissing her ardently. His hand left her breast and she whined against his mouth, he shushed her with another kiss as his hand made its way lower, to reach between her legs, the last frontier of her body he hadn’t known, the part of her he desired most right now. One of his arms anchored her to him, while the other snaked under her gown, he stroked her over her panties, earning him breathy moans.

“tell me what you want” his voice gruff, strained, the power she held made her feel alive

She pulled his lip with her teeth, not wanting to beg so soon, though she knew she would. “what do _you_ want, Jon”

She was so stubborn, his pretty wife, but this was his time to show her two could play that game. His fingers played with the hem of her panties, but careful not too much her skin, at least not the way she wanted. She groaned in frustration, she nuzzled her nose across his jaw, bringing her mouth to his earlobe and taking it her mouth. “fuck” he said aloud “tell me Sansa, say the words”

“touch me” she whispered in his ear again, feeling brave “touch me _there_ , the place you’ve _really_ wanted to feel all this time, how long has it been, Jon? since you dreamt of it?”

He growled at her, and he slipped his hand under, opening her folds, she was slick with need, and hotter than the water around them. He continued to touch her until she was shifting in his arms, her cunt chasing more of his hand, he slowed down, and she pouted.

“let me tell you what _I_ want, let me make my demands”

  
“what’s that?”

He whispered into her ear “I want you to come for me” and he slipped one finger inside of her, her mouth falling open as she released a shuttering “oh”

“I want to watch you come apart”

She nodded quickly, needing more of him, he added another finger inside her, and pushed in, then out slowly, she grinded herself on his hand, she was already ready to explode. He saw it in her face as his fingers kept working her, he moved faster and faster, until she was moaning over him, the sound carried in the silence, but the trees would keep their secrets. He watched as she shut her eyes, her body going stiff and her cunt squeezing his fingers, before releasing him in a gush that rocked her entire body.

Her carried her boneless body to the shallow end of the spring, laid them down on the sandy bed, the water barely coming up to cover their bodies, he pushed her night gown up and panties down, an animalistic urge inside of him surged as he saw her laid below him, barely coming down from her last orgasm

“are you ready?” he asked, and she nodded, still feeling the wash of pleasure rippling through her

She got a quick look at him, thick and long, before he pushed himself all the way in, the invasion startled her, she was still so sensitive from before. They had crossed a line they could never take back, but he felt so good inside her, it had to be right.

“anymore demands?” she asked breathlessly

He pulled out almost all the way before pushing back in, slamming into her over and over, the same way he had with his fingers, of course nothing could compare to her cunt around him. He could hear the water and their bodies splashing as he drove into her, “I want to know I’m the only one” he begged

“Jon, Jon” his name was a prayer and an answer “there is only you…I’m so close”

“fuck, Sansa, you’re perfect, come for me again, one more time”

and as if given permission, she did, another orgasm ripping through her, a white-hot heat consuming her completely, Jon’s pace became erratic and soon he came inside her, an audible grunt escaping his lips before he collapsed over her, only using his arms so he wouldn’t crush her.

He kissed her forehead and pushed the hair away from her face, everything about this moment was perfect.  


“stay with me” she said, her only demand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank youuuu to everyone following along!!! Im having a really hard time writing the final chapter, maybe the story is best left as-is with Jon and Sansa finally coming together, the rest is headcannon but i dont know. :S

**Author's Note:**

> so this story will unfold for 14 chapters or so, I tried to make each on short (less than 2000 words mostly) so we could keep it moving ;) There is a lot of exposition since things are happening differently than the show/books


End file.
